The (P)rick & my Brother, random musings
Now Playing: No More Tears By Ozzy
Topic: Family Business
I'm glad I already told (P)Rick the story about 16 & J's kid so if J does get pissed & go to his side he's not hearing it from her for the first time, he's already heard it from me- proving that I have nothing to hide on this subject. that's his biggest thing. he's always more pissed if he hears about anything from someone else. if he already knows about it from me he's a lot easier to handle. Its when he hears about something from someone else & comes at me with a 'what the fuck is this shit' attitude that I get flustered & he's always more upseet in that scenario than if I just say 'look, this happened, it's over, we dealt with it, move on' I'll be interested to see if he & S get back together, I hope not for my own selfish reasons, not that I want him back, just because i miss the friend he was before he married her & tried to walk her line, if he's not with her & he's his own man again he's a lot easier for me to deal with. but of course i'm of 2 minds (or more really) on that subject too. I hope he gets real dead over in iraq & that he comes back in a jar, not just a body bag. is that wrong? everything I know on the top of my mind says it is but deep down in my raw heart I really really hope that's exactly what happens to him. I hope he never gets this or my other blog site address I hate censorship & The feeling that I can't just say what I feel on certain subjects because I might get a nasty email from him. After all if I was going to worry about it I shouldn't have called my mother unhinged even if she is & to her credit she never even said anything about it (I hope she has enough clarity & hindsight to see she was unhinged back then, after all this is a woman who came to the dinner table one night when I was 16 & announced that she was ready to die, that she felt she'd fulfilled her karmic lessons & was ready to move on to the next life & would prefer to end this one. Now that made for some interesting dinner table conversation & interestingly enough I was the only one of the 3 of us besides her at the table with enough will power, balls or interest (not sure which I had or which the others, Ben & Daddy lacked) to actually challenge this assumption. which I then & now consider the height of arogance & also asking for a kick in the teeth as witnessed by my brothers & then fathers suicides not 5 years later) I said 'so you tell me not to commit suicide because I'll just end up in the same unpleasant situations which drove me to suicide & have to try to overcome them/live thru them again.but it's ok for you to stop living/give up'. that's when I got the line about her karmic lessons being fulfilled already... I pretty much told her this was bullshit & a cop out, which she did not like too much & then I got the look from Ben, the one which said 'shut the fuck up you're pissing her off & I don't want to deal with it.' so I did, out of kindness to him & out of kindness to her I've never even thrown that little reminder up in her face, she probably wouldn't remember it anyway, she's got a VERY convenient memory, I remember how pissed Ben was that she just conveniently forgot my suicide attempt at 13 or 14. it wasn't a very good one, it was just about 2 shots of rubbing alcohol & I was instantly sorry. I don't remember if Daddy denied this too or not, I just remmeber Ben coming to me pissed because he'd mentioned it to mummie & she denied it ever happend then we tried confronting her together & that didn't work either, just got a stone wall face & a 'you kids are crazy, nothing like that ever happened'. UGGH! oh well, I know what happened & so did ben that's all that matters,
annother memory of ben is the time he came to visit at the apartment in hull where chrissy & I lived, the cabinets in the kitchen were spring loaded & they'd fly closed at inoportune moments, he was in the living room & I was in the kitchen getting something for us to eat & one of the cabinets slammed closed & I yelled, 'sorry I didn't mean that' & he knew exactly what I meant, the sound of slamming kitchen cabinets is something we grew up hearing & the usual reaction was 'did you do something to make her mad?' 'no did you?' then we'd back track 'did the phone ring recently?' 'was there bad mail?' trying to figure out what had set her off, I can remmeber all the way back to very young child hood, maybe even pre-ben hovering in the doorway to the kitchen trying to tell by the set of her shoulders & how she was smoking etc. what her mood was, I also remember the palpable anger you'd feel if she was pissed at dinner time & we had to go sit down & eat. no wonder I'm fat!!! it was scary eating with her but at least the food didn't bite me!