Got to do What they Told ya (from the song I'm listening to)
Now Playing: Killing in the Name, Rage Against the Machine
Topic: History
When I was a kid, & I mean right up until 20 or so. When things were put in perspective for me by my brothers suicide, The surest way to get me to do something was for my Mother to tell me not to do it. The reverse was true too, if she told me to do something I would go to outrageous lengths not to do what she said to do. Now, if someone else asked something of me, my Father, Grandmother, Aunt or Uncle, even a stranger on the street. I would bend over backwards to do what they wanted. I was contrary, difficult & rude to her & I know it, but seriously, she was no great prize herself, she was hateful, mean, depressed & morose most of the time & also showed blatant favortisim for my brother. The best thing we could have done was keep out of each others way & we did try to do so for the most part.
One night at dinner on a Saturday (which was different from most nights, my grandmother ate with us & we ate spagetti in the dining room ever saturday night- so it was more formal) I did something or other & she was exceptionaly rude in her reaction to what ever it was (I may have dropped a fork or knocked over my drink- it was nothing too important) & in annoyance I said to her 'you know for everything that pisses you off about me theres 5 that piss me off about you' Probably because it was in front of my grandmother she would not let it go. She bugged me loudly all through dinner & followed me around the house after dinner trying to get me to tell her what bugged me so much about her.
Finaly I wrote her a list. To my surprise she responded to everything on the list & in a few cases (where she wasn't in complete denial) even conceded I had a point! I still have her responses in the diary I was writing in back then & once in awhile I re-read them.
The oddest thing about her parenting & my parenting is we've done the exact same things but differently. Most things she did as a parent were in direct reaction to how she was raised, she didn't like her childhood & had vowed not to raise us the same way.
I can't say much about how she was raised, She has never point by point told me what she didn't like & when I talk with my grandmother about it she says my mother & her brothers had great childhoods (she would though, she raised them) Some of my Mothers beleifs in raising us were that chores were not neccesary, we would see the need to keep our rooms clean, pitch in with the general dusting vacuming etc on our own & just cheerfully & willingly help with out being asked (Yeah, that backfired on her! by the time I was 11 she'd given up on that & I had to do the lunch dishes, clean 1 floor of the house every week -we alternated floors- & clean my room myself- you read that: never cleaned my room)She did not spank or hit us at all, ever. (well once she slapped me for giving her a 'look' but it was early in the morning & she hadn't had her coffe yet, I was about 4 & still remember it to this day so it made an impression.) she yelled a lot though & I am totally unafraid of eye contact with cops or people in supervisory positions because of all the staring contests I've had with her when she was 'trying to get through to me' (she spent a lot of time doing that) I'm no where near as picky as she was about house cleaning, As long as there's a path thru the bedrooms & homework is done & the rooms I'm in (like the Living room, Kitchen & dining room) are all in fairly good order I don't really bitch much (ok, yeah, I like the dishes to be done too)
She belived in letting us do our own thing, that included walking by myself 1 mile to the shopping district of our town when I was 8. (actually that was my father who let that happen while she was at work I think) going swiming at the park every day all summer long (she worked there some years so there wasn't much choice about what we were going to do) while we were homeschooled doing what ever we wanted, even reading for 4 years straight & not doing much else.
However she insisted we go to sunday school, take piano lessons, when I was 8-12, go to campfire girls (hated it)
So it wasn't like she didn't ever force her opinions on me, she just picked her fights.
I am stricter with my kids than my parents were with me, at least when it comes to pitching in, cleaning up & doing what they want vs. what I want them to do. I am pretty laid back though, (my ex thinks I'm too laid back)& we have a lot of fun together, hiking & going up to Mass on vacations, doing crafts together & reading together etc.
As long as homework is done & the rooms I spend time in are reasonably clean I don't stress much about anything. Except I get mad when they fight too much or bug me too much about stuff I can't change, like it's not my fault it's raining & I'm busy cooking dinner & can't drop everything to play a game with them.