Paranoid
Now Playing: Dosen't remind me of Anything by Audioslave
So the Ex is coming, first it was for a week, now it's for 3 days or maybe 3 & 1/2. As usual he's not sure, of course I know that the 'not sure' & 'doesn't remember' stuff he perpetuates is often a mask for his true motives, he often pretends he doesn't know something when he actually does because he likes to display an image of not paying attention to much when he actually is watching things like a hawk. Once when we were married I drove us somewhere & I thought he was asleep the whole drive, when we got there & he told me he hadn't been asleep I questioned this as I was not too pleased that he had not been asleep (there was someone else in the car & we were having a private discussion)He not only was able to report back to me the entire discussion the other person & I had but also tell me the make & model of every car we passed on our 20 mile drive (not a lot of them, it was very early in the morning & we only passed about 10 cars)He is scary that way & it wories me that he's being rather vague about the dates. He says 3 days but then he says they're driving from Sunday to Monday & will be here Monday afternoon & fails to say wether Monday is counted as a day or if Thursday would be the third day. It's typical of him & worries me, I've already alerted the school & certain Family members & friends who are my backup. I'm leaving it to him to let his Mom & Brother know. Since he says they're staying with his Sister & his Brother I certainly hope he's mentioned it to them! I've also asked for a swap at work so I work the Saturday before he shows up & then have Thursday off (when he may or may not be here still) & I left work early today because I was sick & timed my drive when leaving halfway thru the day to see if leaving at that time would get me home in time to pick up the kids at school on that Monday.(it should, barring any log trucks!)Which, should be ok. If he's not lying & actually staying more days than he's said he would (not unheard of in the past) He has also put in a request to come talk to the kid's classes at school & tell them all about his time in Iraq (that's where he says he is currently) When I went to the Kid's school the School secretary told me the only way would be if the kid's teachers asked him to speak. So we're just going to drop the subject.
The problem is I have to tell him no. I still have a phsyical reaction when I have to tell him no. I get sick to my stomach, shaky & get goose bumps, contrary to some people's beleif he never did hit me when we were together. (except once but I hit him first multiple times & do still belive I deserved that one - I'm a big girl & can take care of myself on that level) but he is prone to rage & I don't want him hitting me now or even yelling at me & being verbaly abusive- especially not in front of the kids. Not even by email. (I have a couple of abusive emails from him saved already in case I ever need them for evidence)I have had verbal threats over the phone that he'll take the kids from me. (I have had custody since 2001- he was advised about it at that time but didn't even respond by mail & has been trying to change it long distance ever since)When he wasn't paying child support (he just started in may of 2005 & pays $225. a month for 3 kids which I am grateful for - it's better than the nothing I got for 4 long years before that) I would complain about the lack of money from him & he would twist what I was saying, he'd start with: "well if you can't afford to take care of 'my' kids I'll come get them & take them off your poor hands"
This is not a nice person I'm dealing with here & I have had to work hard to not let the little ones know how difficult it is to deal with him & how it upsets me. I have also worked hard to be friendly & civil to him during the 3 visits he's made here to see the kids since he left in January of 2001. My friendliness has reached it's end though, it did that right after he made multiple threats when the state took his federal tax refund last year for back child support & began attatching his paychecks (which is why he's paying child support now. Because they take it from him) I got out of the ancient trailer & into my house because the threats he made & the things he tried to get his family members to do (which they refused to do)made me very nervous. When we moved I left no forwarding address & did not change the phone number over (I had other reasons on the phone issue too I admit) I spent money on a post office box specifically so if he wants to write to the kids he can do so with out having to have our street address. That's annother thing I am really torn up over, do I let him come to the new house or not? how am I going to deal with the pressure of him bullying me, pushing me to tell him where we live & possibly trying to learn this from the kids. (how do you tell 6 & 9 year olds: 'don't tell Daddy where we live?') And after all, who am I kidding, he could wait over by the school, watch the kids get out of school & follow their bus home to find out where we live also, it wouldn't be too hard & he's a smart guy. this shit scares me but writing it all out helps a little. I really would prefer it if he'd just GO AWAY. For good. With my luck he'll end up dead & someone will see this & I'll end up being suspected of killing him! Might be worth it...lol...
I used to say when we were first together that if we broke up I'd want a clean break & not to see him anymore etc. He would get upset & say (this was when there was only miss16 & she was about 2 years old) he would at least want to remain friends & visit with her etc. When we did divorce 9 years later it had become such a habit to talk to him & consider him my friend that I was able to move him to friend status after only 6 to 9 months. Then he got involved with his new wife. I have no problem with her personally but she does not want him to have his ex wife for a friend (I understand this theory, I was a jealous wife once too) & so he has put me more & more into the enemy category & made me the bad guy in all of our issues. Where we were supposed to remain friends & keep peace for the sake of the children he's gone on to make war because he wants to have the kids with him & his new wife & make a little family up there with the 2 which are his blood, cut out the older one who is only his by our marriage & pretty much cut me out of my own kids lives, I admit I'm not willing to ship them off to Wisconsin by themselves. If I was, there might be some visitation. But for heavens sake in 5 of my 6 year old's years he has been some shadowy voice on the phone once every 2 or 3 months. He can't even manage to call consistently or write at all & he's only visited 3 times in 5 years! Why WOULD I send a 9 year old & a 6 year old alone 800+ miles away? Especially when a couple of years ago my sister in law in Massachusetts was supposed to keep them for a week or two in the summer & the oldest & the youngest were crying to go home from day one & I had to drive back (796 miles) to get them after 4 days.
On the visiting Wisconsin issue also: I've heard nearly every time I've talked to him: 'oh, we want to come down, we're coming in 6 weeks to a month, then the next time I'd hear from him (usually at least 2 months after that)I'd hear: 'well we couldn't afford to come but we're going to come in 6 weeks to 2 months'. So if he can't afford to bring himself down to see his kids how can I trust that he's going to make it back with the kids after a week or two week visit? especially since for the 4 years I did not get child support it was allegedly because he did not have the money. So how can I trust that he can afford to feed my kids while they visit?
In the 4 years I had no child support I have learned the value of a good job with & the value of staying at the same job for a long time. I have learned that I don't need child support (but it makes things easier) I can have a car, a house & enough for everyone with out any help from him & that's a nice feeling to have self reliance & know I can manage with out help from him.