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Am I Half Dead or Am I Doin' fine?
Saturday, August 19, 2006
What Am I Thinking?
Now Playing: The Boxer by Simon & Garfunkel
Topic: Family Business

I'm thinking that on my 'real' blog I'm at that 100 post point, the next one I do will be # 100. & that's why I'm doing this here, I don't like pressure to perform, I duck stuff like that, of course, I could just ignore the number, it doesn't really show up in the blog itself.

I'm thinking that cat is getting out of control- She's always been crazy but lately has been seeming to calm down. All that has changed tonight, she's racing around the house jumping between pieces of furniture & miaowing like mad, I'd say she was in heat but she's been fixed, do they still act weird like in heat if they don't have heat?

I'm thinking if Cam doesn't quiet down & stop playing with dinosaurs in bed I'm going to have to shut down the computer so I can turn off the light in here & get him to fall asleep that way.

I'm thinking I may not be able to go on vacation like we did this year next year. Unless things change a lot in regards to gas prices & costs in general.

Which brings me to thinking about how in the last few years while the news has been getting worse & I've been hearing from my Mother, Grandmother, Ex & others how bad things are my own personal finances have been on the upswing & I've done really well just by working lot.         & how now I hate my job SO much because I've been doing it day in day out for way too long. But because I hate my job I've been calling in sick a lot & good attendance is one of the 5 things you have to have in order to try to get promoted from taking calls all the time to doing other things there. (like listening to calls & being in charge over the peons who take calls!) 

I'm thinking about last night when the kids got an hour & a half in Chrissie's bf's apartment complex pool. which was all the time that was left by the time we arrived after dinner & a trip to Target to get Lois' school supplies (the highschool doesn't tell you what they need until after school starts) It was a lot of fun for them, they don't get pool time too much, just the various rivers, not that the river is a bad thing, they love it & I do to, it's a lot more secluded than the pool situation & I'm not embarassed to go swimming there like I would have been at the pool with other people around.

I'm thinking I was going to watch the 11 oclock news & it's starting in 6 minutes. Now I'm thinking what a great invention dvr is, I'm not a sales person at work & I hate having things crammed down my throat by sales people so I rarely sell because of that but I can sell the hell out of dvr boxes, I know whereof I speak!

I want to watch the 11 oclock news because I didn't watch the 6 oclock due to a tv show I wanted to dvr which was on at 6, I don't do that very often (the news is all important) But it's my day off so I don't feel like I really need to hear too much more about that crazy guy who may or may not have killed that poor little girl in Boulder CO. The weather & anything local going on should take care of it for me tonight!

I'm thinking that Lois might be having an argument with the BF, that would be unusual, they're both so simpicato that I'm reminded of that famous saying (I don't know who said it) but it goes that if 2 people in a relationship agree on everything one of them is unneccesary!

I'm thinking Val will probably be down in a few more minutes modeling more clothes, she's got a bunch of handmedowns lately & is trying stuff on constantly, she came down about a half an hour ago & requested I do something about the legs of her jeans, she said they said at school as an addition to the dress code that your jeans legs have to reach your feet but can't bag down below that. She's got a lot of jeans which are way too long because the family member we get them from is very tall & skinny where Val is just sorta skinny & not particularly tall

I'm thinking the hammock was probably one of the best inventions ever, I spent about 2 hours out there reading & talking with Val & then Lois when she got home & it was a lovely time, very restful looking at the house, the garden & the yard, all of which need attention & all of which I was able to ignore without feeling too guilty.

I'm thinking Chrissie's got a tough row to hoe when it comes to that dog out there. She barks at me through the window when I cough at night! & also barks at everything & anything that moves outside, I've seen her bark at bees & also try to eat them! 

I'm thinking the phrase 'tough row to hoe' could be applied to my entire garden right now. All that's really left is the Watermelons & Tomatoes. The Beans are picked clean, the Peas are all gone, there's a few stunted Cucumbers which may or may not reach edible proportions. The Summer Squash & Zuchini are also looking few & far between, there's a few there but as to wether they'll get big enough to bother with or not anyone can guess. Next year I'll do better, (that's what I said last year too- it's just not interesting to weed once the plants are going along on their own.  We had no luck for the second year with the pumpkins. That seems so odd to me because the first year in VA with the ex we planted pumpkins & got a little one & I haven't done anything different, we get lots of flowers but no pumpkins. at least the squash type veggies & the watermelons are not rotting on the vine like last year!

I'm thinking I want to get long layers cut into my hair but because the last haircut I had was so awful (3 years ago) I'm afraid to trust anyone with my hair!

 I'm thinking dvr or not I've gotta get on with the news because I don't want to stay up too late because I don't want to be tired all day tommorow!



Posted by Becky at 11:24 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, August 19, 2006 11:25 PM EDT
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
What?! School Starts Tommorow!?
Topic: Family Business

We're as ready as we'll ever be for the end of long lazy days & late nights. Open house was last night at the elementary school & Lois actually came with us. In eleventh grade we're aparently mature enough to enjoy visiting our old alma mater! The visit with the teachers was uneventful. I have to feel for Cams teacher - she was Vals once too & judging by past years the school tries not to give my kids to the same teacher in a row because this school routinely asks for & gets 100% PTA participation per class But not the classes my kids are in ! I work until 8 at night & drive 45 minutes home so I don't participate in PTA. It's also an issue for me because nearly everyone went to school together & knows each other & I know no one & am anti social anyway!

remote Posted by Becky at 5:14 PM EDT
Updated: Sunday, August 20, 2006 5:16 PM EDT
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Busy Busy
Now Playing: Even the Losers (Get Lucky Sometimes) Tom Petty
Topic: Family Business

Well at least the garden is thriving, yesterday we went to a local campground (well, next county over, 25 mile ride but who's counting) which has a pool, for $3.50 a person we got to swim, they open at 10 & close at 5, it was pretty much worth it but it caused me to have to jam 2 days worth of errands into 1 day, complicated by the fact that my painful shoulder was eased by a combination of icy hot & a thermal heat pack on it overnight so I had the best nights sleep I've had in about a week....As a result I slept to about 10 am, interestingly enough all the kids did too! All that fresh air & sunshine plus splashing around in the pools really wiped them out. I usualy use Cameron as my alarm clock on non-work days & he showed up after Valerie at about 1015, so we did laundry, washed dishes, funny how everyone has a day to wash dishes during the week(those of us over 15 have 2) But only on the day I wash dishes do the dishes, cups, spoons & forks come down from upstairs! Lois doesn't bring them on her days because then she'd have to wash them all in addition to carry them downstairs.
We ran 42 errands in Town today, running from place to place, when I lived in town it was easier somehow, to plan where I needed to go & get it done in an orderly fashion, nowadays, I run from place to place & back again, everyone was hungry & I know better than to go to either the health food store or the regular grocery with everyone like that. but we had to go right past the health food store on our way to check if the- Guy-who-sells-Strawberries-from-the-back-of-his
-truck-in-the-dollar-store-parking-lot was there. (He wasn't, but we were a little late, we arrived in town at about 1230 & I used to see him between 845 & 1130 last year & the year before.)
Then since I don't like that particular dollar store we had to go across town to the other dollar store to get spoons, (this is a sore point, about 3 weeks ago I realized we were down to 5 spoons so I bought some cheap spoons, they were 3 for a dollar at the dollar store & I figured since they're treating them like they're disposable we might as well buy cheap ones, well like I said, this was 3 weeks ago & I bought 9 - so with the 5 I had we had 14 spoons 3 weeks ago, today while doing the dishes I found we had 2 regular teaspoon sized spoons. 2!! 2 spoons in a house with 6 people, at least 2 of whom, (Chrissie & I) hardly even eat there! so back to the dollar store, I bought a dozen, how many do you suppose I'll have when we leave for vacation July 10th? 4? I wouldn't doubt it.)
Off to Subway for subs the kids insisted they needed, having been in Mass over the weekend the whole Subway roast beef experience was totally lacking in general although except for the square pickles on the sub I had in Rockland the sub was merely so so too, the roast beef was gray instead of bright red & that makes all the difference in the world.
Multiple stops for this that & the other thing ended us up at the grocery store, I'm one of those people I used to hate, when the chain came here I swore I'd never shop there, I would support the local place, no matter what (I do my real shopping -2 weeks worth at a time- in C'Burg because it's cheaper & there's more variety- & I always have.) but for a few things of the milk, bread & snacks variety we shop in town & as I said I didn't touch the chain store for a year or so, then came a Sunday night when I was arriving in town after a busy day visiting Chrissie, with not just my 3 kids but Chrissie's daughter too. it was 945 on sunday night & everyone had decided they were hungry - we'd had a dinner/lunch combo at like 430 that afternoon & it was a choice between the chain store or the convenience store & I entered the chain, I swaped back & forth for awhile but the selection is so much better at the chain (although the milk's a dollar cheaper at the little grocery)I can actualy almost do 2 weeks shopping there instead of going into C'Burg & I have done so when it was snowing or we had other stuff going on during a Saturday which would usually be our shopping excursion day. So swallowing down my guilt we went in & shopped, my kids are not easy to shop with, we get lots of whining, fit throwing, stomping around. Valerie knocked down a whole display of ice cream cones & both her sister & brother who had been egging her on to the stunt that knocked them over, walked off saying 'Whos that kid, boy is she gonna be in trouble' after we got that picked up we got to have a glaring contest with the woman running the service desk, aparently in 7th grade Lois had an altercation with this woman's daughter & the protective instint being what it is the woman wanted to come kick Lois' ass for it. this of course never happened but the woman still has an attitude towards all of us.
As always, every where we go we elicit comments about look at all the redheads, where did you get that red hair ha-ha etc. I like it still but the kids find it old & annoying!
After everyone's favorite Summer dinner, Tuna Fish & salad fixings with chips. during which we watched the first Pirates of the Carribean movie in preperation for the new movie coming out. (Cam's never been to a movie at the theater & Val went when she was 2 or 3 months old- I really wanted to see escape from LA- I was disapointed!) I went out to check the garden, we've had some truly scary thunderstorms but those don't really water the garden & they've been so heavy they're more likely to break plants than help them grow but the garden is doing well, we even have some tomato, pea & 1 cucumber flower on some of the plants.
Back to work tommorow for 20 hours in 2 days, Maybe more, they're trying to decide if they're going to 'require' me to do the 4 hours overtime in spite of my missing Sunday.
Then in here to mess with my stupid Coca cola points, hey I'm drinking it like it's going out of style I might as well collect the points, they're there anyway! Write in here & since I spent Monday evening Loading more songs from cds onto my hard drive- Naming the songs because even when I cause the media player to go search for the cd info (& I only remember on like, 1 in 3 to do so) something about my media player stops it from loading that information!
After a shower we're supposed to play Clue.
All in all a really good 'weekend' for the kids & I. the sort I strive for.

Posted by Becky at 9:13 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, June 21, 2006 9:24 PM EDT
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Summing the Whole Visit from Hell up...
Now Playing: Break my Rusty Cage by Soundgarden
Topic: Family Business

All in All it could have been a lot worse, The Ex's visit went off flawlessly, we all went bowling on Tuesday & they aparently left at 3 am Wednesday morning so I got my Wednesday to myself (or to the kids & Chrissy & Samantha - we went bowling too) the downside is my vacation to Massachusetts this summer has to be moved back by 2 weeks, originally it was supposed to be June 28 to July 12, now it's going to be July 11 thru July 26, which the kids are especially upset about, but it's not anything I can change, they only let you borrow 1 paid day off & because I took one for the Ex's visit I have to earn annother day before we can leave, I've tried multiple configurations of borrowed days, swaped days etc. but this is the only one which makes sense, because I work 2 days, have a day off & then work 2 more & have 2 days off, taking 1 day off instead of 2 makes no sense because if I take 1 then I have to work 1 & have 1 or 2 off again.
Things could have been much worse, I definitley felt his attitude a bunch, he was pretty obvious that he thought my house too small & dumpy. I don't much care, I like it & that's all that matters really. I'll be surprised if he does a whole lot better that I. His last comment about the house thing was that they're going to use his vetrans benifits to buy his Mom's doublewide. No offense to my Mother in law (especially since I love her place & think the views from her place are spectacular) I'm still glad I have a house not a doublewide... Also I didn't mention it to him but I know from when I was buying my place that you have to have a down payment of 20% to purchase a manufactured home of any kind which is already in use, it's easier to get your own new one on a piece of property than to buy someone's used doublewide!I kept that to myself partially so as not to look like I was trying to shoot him down or play the naysayer (he hates that I know) & partly for my own darker reasons (ie: I'd love to see him fail.
The thing which made my stomach drop the furthest was the way looked me in the eye & told me he'd be back in Iraq after 5/2 & he'd be IMing me & emailing after that.... It sounded too much like he was looking to start trying to weasel back in.
I will also say that the more I see of his wife the more I like her. She's a Scorpio like him so I will never trust her. On the plus side though she's one of the few people I know who has no problem with openly conflicting with him- something that makes my hands & knees shake just thinking about it. Chrissy didn't like her at all, says she's cold which she certainly is but so is he so they're a good pair. I really hope they change their mind about moving down here or that at least its them, not just him.

Posted by Becky at 3:46 PM EDT
Monday, April 17, 2006
A Status Report on the Only Thing On My Mind Currently
Now Playing: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
Topic: Family Business
Yeah, he's here, so is Chrissie, She's been a great support, though it really has not been too bad yet. They spent yesterday, Easter, with his Brother's family & their Dad, his wife & their son. The worst part was on my way to the house after a 10 hour work day I saw the car with the WI liscence plates rolling towards me on the road & it kept going, it was dark & I could not see who or how many people were in the car, I immediately remembered all the times I have heard him say, 'well fine, I'll just take the kids to WI & the WI laws will apply & I'll have custody' I almost turned around & followed the car but I called my Brother in law & acted like I was just letting him know I was on my way & he immediately told me the Ex & miss9 had just taken a run to the store but mr6 & his 5 year old son were playing together as we spoke. I felt very relieved & my hands had almost stopped shaking by the time I arrived at the house, I hung out & waited for them to come back from the store, made plans for mr6 to go with his uncle & cousin fishing in a few weeks on a sunday- which I'm sure he'll love.
The Ex is as usual morose & bitter & grouchy. Even when he's trying to be caring towards the kids it comes out as commands & threats.
No major confrontations last night, we behaved ourselves. Today was also non eventful in the arguing, cutting remarks & rude asides categories too, though I definitley got the feeling he was inspeecting my house for dirt, grime & unsafe things (the ladder stairs to the girl's bedrooms were inspected at length to the point where I offered to have him build some steps there if he'd like since he'd be cheaper than a handyman. He declined) We actually had a pretty good time because his new wife has been through the wringer with him lately & so we kind of ganged up on him & teased him a little, my own private observation is that marriage is not going to last much longer & I hope he doesn't think he's got a place waiting for him here.
Now they're talking about buying a house down here & moving down here. That's what I'm predicting will be the breaking strain on the Marriage. He doesn't do well in a small town, (I hope it's not this county at all- I think the next county over, where his Brother lives would be better) He seems to feel too smothered, too compressed & he did not like everyone knowing his business,
When we were still together he worked with a kid who then got fired & came to work where I worked. A few months of working with this kid (24 where I was 29 then- still a kid to me) He & I were pretty good friends. He then asked me one day if I knew T was hanging out a lot with the daughter of the boss at my ex's work & was at her house a lot at night, I did know that, we shared 1 car back then & I actually was there a lot too. But I really appreciated this kid's attempted heads up on the situation. My Ex, on the other hand was Pissed. He wanted to go beat the kid up for 'sticking his nose in where it didn't belong' This is how my Ex reacts to people just looking out for one annother.
Of course, I did find out a few years after he moved out that he was doing the Boss' daughter's best friend off & on that summer when I wasn't around. (I truly belive though, that you always know, in retrospect there were plenty of looks, glances & asides which I ignored when I was around them together, I just chose not to pay attention to them to the point where I had to act on them)
Yeah, If they move down here I'll be on her side, not his, in any problems there are, I feel like I'd have to be, I've been through it all before.
The ETD (estimated time of departure) was supposed to be Tuesday, now it's being moved around & may be Wednesday or Thursday, I'm not too pleased about that let me tell you!

Posted by Becky at 7:03 PM EDT
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Back in the Saddle Again,
Now Playing: Megalomania by Incubus
Topic: Family Business
The computer came home (finally) on monday evening, I pretended to my ex & a few other people that I didn't hook it right up monday when I got home but I did. I've been catching up since then. The ex had left an email on 4/7 saying he was coming the 12th. I hadn't heard from him since, there was only the 1 email on the 7th & nothing else either way. So thinking it was because he was in transit I went into panic mode, cleaned the house, changed my schedule at work, I had hounded my boss through sunday & monday to get me the 17th off. Then when I got the email from the ex that he was coming early I called work to change that & was told I had to come in & do it in person & thursday, the next day I work, wasn't enough notice to do so. I went in there & ended up face to face with the Director of the place who approved my day off with out a pause, originally he was going to set up for me to have both friday & monday, but I said no, friday should do it...
Open mouth, insert foot. Now this morning I get up & there's an email from the ex saying oh, change of plans I'm getting home the 14th, we'll be there the 16th!!
I'm going to let my boss sort it out with the Director tommorow when we're back to work.
Let me just state for the record that I wish my ex would either drop out of my kids lives altogether (no big loss considering how seldom he calls or writes or sees them:2002, 2004 & 2006-if he shows up) Or would move back to this state & file for visitation so we're on a regular schedule where I can say to the kids, ok, Dads going to be here to get you Tuesday, Thursday & next weekend...etc...(really I wish he'd just drop out completley, they barely know him after all...)
The thing that really upsets me is the knowledge that he may have been messing with me just to mess with me...No one else in the family had heard of any changes in his schedule but me. Which made me wonder about it at the time, but my work is so psychotic about days off & having to request them in advance & all, that I went & changed my day off. Now there's good things about having Friday off, it means I have to work tommorow but then I'll be off Friday & Saturday, but then it also means I have to work Sunday & Monday & the ex will be here for Monday which leaves things kind of open & rather dangerous for my kids who would be home with 16 in charge. Though Chris is supposed to be here too, I don't feel like I should put it on her to have to tell my ex 'no, you can't take the kids out on your own'. especially since I know she wouldn't want to call the cops if he gets pushy, something I have no problem doing myself at this point... We've been through enough & if he wants to be a dick, well let him. I can be a bitch too!
There are bright sides to the whole thing though, my drive to work at 530 last night with all 3 kids was a pretty drive with the sun in a different position from where it is on my way to work in the morning. Then after my business was taken care of we went to dinner at a mexican resturant which I really love. & then we went & got a push broom & some other odds & ends, wasp spray especially. At the big chain hardware store with the blue sign.
Then on the way home everone (but me) thought we needed desert, since my car needed oil though I stopped at a store & got everyone ice cream treats & a good time was had by all on a night that would otherwise have included homework, showers & negotiating online time for 4 people 2 of whom only want to play games & should be doing their homework.
It really was a nice night, the sort of impromtu thing we used to do a lot of before I bought the house & had more money because when I was in the trailer I paid $150. a month lot rent & once I got up over 10 bucks an hour there was plenty of money for most stuff... now my mortgage is 4 times what I paid for lot rent (I know thats still not much as mortgages go!) & the money makes it but there's not a lot of extra for meals out & picking up odds & ends when I need them. I'm shopping (thru the newspaper & peoples yards) for a used ride on lawn mower & waiting for a loan against my 401k to come through to buy said lawnmower. so because I'm also borrowing more than I need for the lawnmower so I have something available for other stuff I have a little extra cash right now. The better to look prosperous to my ex my dear! Though someone did point out to me that looking too prosperous could cause him to try to get me to take him back & that would be a pain in the rear because he can be charming & he is my younger kids father (16 has thought of this already & announced she's moving in with my mother if I ever allow that to happen- I'm sure my mother will be thrilled) I am still afraid of him, I still have a lot of trouble saying no or denying him things he asks for & it would be a real problem if he did try to get back in my good graces (always assuming he & the new wife won't last which to her credit I doubt they will, I take her to be too strong & sure of herself to put up with his bull for too much longer)

Posted by Becky at 1:20 PM EDT
Wednesday, April 5, 2006
Now Playing: It's the End of the World (as we know it) by REM
Topic: Family Business
I'm sitting here thinking after having been on instant messenger with the ex, he is as usual, having issues, right now it's with his new wife, aparently she does not want him to play hockey when He's in the US for 15 days. But he says he is going to be playing a charity hockey game which he just happens to be there for during his time off.. & she's mad about it, as I told him I see both sides of it 'yours because I'm at peace with the whole thing & actually think there are many WORSE things you could be doing than playing hockey... & hers because I know its just because she loves you & wants to be with you as much as possible while you're home & is going to resent every minute apart or where you're not focused on her & your son.' She was taking his time up & he says he's going to come back & talk with the kids later. we shall see.... It's much easier being his ex than his wife, I can laugh at his hare brained schemes & it's not going to make a difference in how I sleep tonight (or if I get laid- That won't be

Got an IM back from him allegedly he's too busy to talk right now,(important army business- personally I hope they're under attack) So I pulled up my IM list & talked to his cousin, She had IM-ed with him yesterday & he had told her he'd be there 4/25! So we're trying to decide who he's lying to. probably her. He thinks we don't talk - we've let him belive this because we figure we can catch him in his stories easier if we compare notes... Immature? yes. But this guy is a doozy, as evidenced by the fact that he was telling her he'd be there for her birthday & is telling me he'll be here Easter which is 10 days earlier (I'm pretty sure he's not lying to me...after all he wants to see his I know he says he doesn't like her too much & probably was being nice. Figuring I wouldn't tip her off to his early arrival & he could be in & out again before she & the others he doesn't like even know he's been there...
The funny thing about it though is that she's spoken to his Sister, his Mother & Brother, all of whom he's telling me he's going to spend time with & she says none of them even knew he was coming!
LOL, he's done that before, I'm used to it, when we were married it bugged the heck out of me. Now I think it's funny 'cause it's not my problem.
Of course, I know if I let him know where I live I'm going to have to worry about him just showing up any old time...Because that's the way he is....ugh, I have really mixed emotions on this whole mess.
It does not help that my job is not flexible at all. You have to be there if you're scheduled & you can only miss 5 days before they write you up & 7 before you're fired. (I don't know where I'm at either. because my boss just tells me not to worry about it & a few days I missed were excused due to bad weather but I don't know which were & which weren't.)Chris is coming that same weekend & I am actually really glad about that because hopefuly she'll be at my house while I'm at work & the ex is around. (although it means I won't have as much time for a real visit with her if I've got to think about him & where he's at the whole time too) Otherwise, his brother & sister in law are going to have their hands full with my 2 little ones on top of their own 3!
In checking email I found that my former sister in law, the afore mentioned one with 3 little ones, (oldest=5) got a call from the new wife just the other day on this issue. She told me not to worry about it & that I didn't need to ask them to keep the kids, I could bring them over anytime & they'd be welcome. She's too good to be belived! of course, Chris will be here too so we'll have to figure out what to do exactly. Last night he claimed it was for sure that he'd be here 4/16 & declined to say for how many days. Said he was in a hurry for a meeting & would get back to me today. & he's online now but Idle so no communnication, the story of my life with him No communication!

Posted by Becky at 11:12 AM EDT
Saturday, March 25, 2006
16 is a rough age for the mother too
Now Playing: Wish you were here by Incubus
Topic: Family Business

I try, I really do try to remember what it's like to be 16, I can look back, read my diaries, talk to people who knew me then etc. but still. My hopes & wants for my daughter still get in the way. Last night she was moping, shes 'dating' a guy from Kentucky (online dating is beyond me in a lot of ways, how can you date someone thru a computer & a phone? I thought dating was doing things together- well anyway) & first she tells me he's a burn out. NOT what a mother wants to hear - The next thing out of her mouth is that she's worried he'll break up with her & as her loving mother I opened my mouth & said- well if he's a burn out you're better off with out him. This earned me tears & a statement that she's never going to bother talking to me again.
I felt terrible, I don't want to cut her off but this is the girl who watched me go from being a stay at home mom to a nursing home housekeeper for $5.40 an hour to what I do now. (for which I get paid better than many people doing other jobs in this area but still a tiny amount in terms of what others make around the country) & she saw me struggle, & scrimp & save & worry over every bit of food & clothes I had to provide. (all of which I still do) And what she said for all those years is 'I'm not going there, I don't want kids, I want a carreer, I want my life all set before I settle down' & now that she's 16 & everyone around her is beginning to pair off & because she's not the standard size & the standard look she's not getting much attention she's changing her goals & focusing on guys & if they like her & what does she need to do to get them to like her & I see her falling into the pit that I fell into on my own in the 80's.
I was into fun, I wanted to party & hang out & meet someone. My jobs were all a means to an end, not a vocation or a calling, nothing I loved, just what would pay the bills & give me as much free time as possible, my job now is still that. (Although at least it is challenging & keeps me learning & expanding my knowlege base etc.) The things I actually liked to do: do not pay, or do not pay enough, or require too much time to get to the point where they would pay, (like writing) now I have a family to support & that comes over & above wether I am fulfilled at my job or not. I do not want any of my kids to end up the way I have. Although really I still do not have any great calling, if I won 10 million dollars today I would travel, build a nice big house, maybe keep a few horses & read, go online & just live my life. I know people who always wanted to be a nurse, a doctor, a veteranarian, an actress etc & would pursue these if they had all the time & money needed- there's never been anything like that for me. Not now & not previously.) As a teenager there was nothing I was into that could have been worked into a career (well maybe I could have been a music critic or an r&d rep for a record company but I lacked the look & the connections & the knowledge that those careers were even available)
I have always told my kids to pick something early & stick with it. Now that it's actually crunch time. (at 16 she's only got 2 more years in highschool to make a decision & then move on to college & pursue what ever she decides upon) She thinks she wants to be a psychologist & is signing up for some classes in that direction (sociology & beginning psychology for junior year) but is still a lot more concerned with wether 'J' will find someone else in his actual state & stop talking to her. I have watched family members younger than I, both in my family & my ex's have all sorts of ideas about what they were going to do & how they were going to live their lives & most of them have ended up involved with someone & working at a bank or a factory or in a trade. At a dead end job with little room for advancement & no sign of the dreams they had when they were 15, 16 etc. (these people are only in their early to mid 20's now & it depresses me to see how their lives have turned out- they learned nothing from my ex & I -except maybe, to pick a job & stick with it- don't quit your job every 6 weeks & find annother one- That's from my ex though) I just don't want my kid to repeat my mistakes & I don't feel like I'm going to be able to stop her the lessons I needed to teach her about how to be happy with out someone else there all the time came too late, too far into her formative years to do any good, when she was 3,4 5 & supposed to be learning them she was watching me worry & obsess over wether my ex was going to leave & what I could do to try to make him happy so he wouldn't leave.& now those unhealthy images are what she's acting on no matter what I say now.

Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST
Friday, March 24, 2006
The (P)rick & my Brother, random musings
Now Playing: No More Tears By Ozzy
Topic: Family Business
I'm glad I already told (P)Rick the story about 16 & J's kid so if J does get pissed & go to his side he's not hearing it from her for the first time, he's already heard it from me- proving that I have nothing to hide on this subject. that's his biggest thing. he's always more pissed if he hears about anything from someone else. if he already knows about it from me he's a lot easier to handle. Its when he hears about something from someone else & comes at me with a 'what the fuck is this shit' attitude that I get flustered & he's always more upseet in that scenario than if I just say 'look, this happened, it's over, we dealt with it, move on' I'll be interested to see if he & S get back together, I hope not for my own selfish reasons, not that I want him back, just because i miss the friend he was before he married her & tried to walk her line, if he's not with her & he's his own man again he's a lot easier for me to deal with. but of course i'm of 2 minds (or more really) on that subject too. I hope he gets real dead over in iraq & that he comes back in a jar, not just a body bag. is that wrong? everything I know on the top of my mind says it is but deep down in my raw heart I really really hope that's exactly what happens to him. I hope he never gets this or my other blog site address I hate censorship & The feeling that I can't just say what I feel on certain subjects because I might get a nasty email from him. After all if I was going to worry about it I shouldn't have called my mother unhinged even if she is & to her credit she never even said anything about it (I hope she has enough clarity & hindsight to see she was unhinged back then, after all this is a woman who came to the dinner table one night when I was 16 & announced that she was ready to die, that she felt she'd fulfilled her karmic lessons & was ready to move on to the next life & would prefer to end this one. Now that made for some interesting dinner table conversation & interestingly enough I was the only one of the 3 of us besides her at the table with enough will power, balls or interest (not sure which I had or which the others, Ben & Daddy lacked) to actually challenge this assumption. which I then & now consider the height of arogance & also asking for a kick in the teeth as witnessed by my brothers & then fathers suicides not 5 years later) I said 'so you tell me not to commit suicide because I'll just end up in the same unpleasant situations which drove me to suicide & have to try to overcome them/live thru them again.but it's ok for you to stop living/give up'. that's when I got the line about her karmic lessons being fulfilled already... I pretty much told her this was bullshit & a cop out, which she did not like too much & then I got the look from Ben, the one which said 'shut the fuck up you're pissing her off & I don't want to deal with it.' so I did, out of kindness to him & out of kindness to her I've never even thrown that little reminder up in her face, she probably wouldn't remember it anyway, she's got a VERY convenient memory, I remember how pissed Ben was that she just conveniently forgot my suicide attempt at 13 or 14. it wasn't a very good one, it was just about 2 shots of rubbing alcohol & I was instantly sorry. I don't remember if Daddy denied this too or not, I just remmeber Ben coming to me pissed because he'd mentioned it to mummie & she denied it ever happend then we tried confronting her together & that didn't work either, just got a stone wall face & a 'you kids are crazy, nothing like that ever happened'. UGGH! oh well, I know what happened & so did ben that's all that matters,
annother memory of ben is the time he came to visit at the apartment in hull where chrissy & I lived, the cabinets in the kitchen were spring loaded & they'd fly closed at inoportune moments, he was in the living room & I was in the kitchen getting something for us to eat & one of the cabinets slammed closed & I yelled, 'sorry I didn't mean that' & he knew exactly what I meant, the sound of slamming kitchen cabinets is something we grew up hearing & the usual reaction was 'did you do something to make her mad?' 'no did you?' then we'd back track 'did the phone ring recently?' 'was there bad mail?' trying to figure out what had set her off, I can remmeber all the way back to very young child hood, maybe even pre-ben hovering in the doorway to the kitchen trying to tell by the set of her shoulders & how she was smoking etc. what her mood was, I also remember the palpable anger you'd feel if she was pissed at dinner time & we had to go sit down & eat. no wonder I'm fat!!! it was scary eating with her but at least the food didn't bite me!

Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST
Updated: Tuesday, March 28, 2006 9:40 PM EST
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Open Letter to H
Now Playing: Just Like You By Three Days Grace
Topic: Family Business

Look you stupid motherfucker, what the fuck do you think you're doing? copping out? don't you dare even think about it. You made your choices just like I did & everyone else. first of all your kids need a father, maybe not the way they did when they were 2 or 5 or even 15 but they do need a dad, I was 23 when my father blew his brains out (you helped me clean them up in front of the barn for heavens sake) & I know this for a fact there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of something I'd like to get his opionion or advice or input on. I have had to deal with not 2 but 3 suicides if you remember my brother in law D hung himself at 14. & I think I'm pretty qualified to speak on this subject. I also have the insight of living with the family depression & dark periods that I've watched you, my mother, brother & cousins deal with too. it can be overcome (st Johns wort has done wonders for me-I'm only sorry I couldn't have taken it sooner but with childbearing, nursing & birth control to keep me from it I had no real choice) But drugs or herbs are not the only answer, you have to work at not getting taken up by it, & I don't mean throwing yourself into a work schedule that allows no time for reflection. What about Eddie, didn't he have a life in NYC that he left to go to California with you? so you'd just strand him there? Suicide is a very selfish act. think about your kids J&J at your funeral, think about E, M & all my cousins ( Not to mention myself & my kids) I understand wanting to go home. (though I admit I'm not exactly interested in doing so- too expensive, too crowded & too cold- & I don't mean the weather only) Also, do you really want L to have the last laugh? if he outlives you he would do so & you know it as well as I do. I hear there was something about a poor reference from someone you expected to give you a good reference, I don't know who that was but I have some ideas, so that cost you the job in B, well there'll be other jobs, they're not showing you the door in California are they? if it's not time for you to go home then things won't work out for it, if you're trying to force it it just won't come, I know that sounds like so much hippie mumbo jumbo to you & I'm aware you think I'm a silly bitch but believe me in a lot of ways I've been the best friend you've got, I've been in situations where if I had spilled things I knew you could have been privately & publicly embarrased, I don't mean when I was an adult either (though there were plenty of times then too) I've known since I was 14 that you're at the least bisexual & the only people who knew it then were the guys themselves & M (as far as I can tell) I have had a lot of arguments with P about homosexuality being inherited & seen red at her insistence that it was all the mother's fault, when I knew her most precious, favorite son (face it, you are) was gay. & I bit my tounge every time. I never let on at all although I admit that when she told me about your divorce & how M made you tell her about why you were divorcing I did tell her I had known about you for a LONG time. Still though, you've made it this far, you don't even have grandchildren yet for crying out loud - do you know how hard it is to explain a grandfather who's not there to little kids? I do, none of my kids remember their grandfather at all- the only grandfather they know of or remember is H B- is that a good role model?, Do you ever do anything for yourself? like garden, or read fiction, or paint or draw or go to a concert or just do something you feel like doing not what you should be doing etc. I work in a high stress environment myself & so I indulge myself on my days off, I sit around & browse on the computer, read till 2 am, paint & do other crafts have a vegetable garden & just generally do what I want while my kids are at school. (I also cook dinner, clean the house & do laundry in between but I've always been a good multi tasker) There's very little which is worth dying for & depression isn't one of the few things which are worth it. you've been to counseling & phyciatry before for heavens sake, go again, find something, come here & hike the blue ridge parkway, go to maine & do the whole appalachians instead of only some of them like you already have. hike cross country, go to the beach & learn how to surf, you're living on the right coast for it for chrissake. listen to the new music out there, linkin park, stained, godsmack (they're from methuen even) why give up? there's too much out there to do that. here's some more hippie bullshit but it's what I belive & what kept me from taking all the pills in the house during my teen years: If you kill yourself because of what you're dealing with in this life, in your next life you're going to have the same problems & have to try to live thru them & over come them all over again & you'll just keep repeating the same lessons untill you get it right wouldn't you rather suffer thru this life with the hope of the next one being better? That gave me hope back in the days I was dark.(& there were many many of those- right after my father died along with the teen years) there's also the stigma of suicide, do you want your kids to have to tell people: My father killed himself? it makes people look at you in a whole different way, like if someone close to you has killed themselves, you must be unhinged too... I don't tell anyone unless there's a good reason to do so. There's a terrible stigma to it still. I've had people be really rude about it too. I wouldn't wish what I've been thru on my worst enemy & certainly not on people I love as much as I love J&J. I hope you realize what an impression on your son especially you are, (I haven't seen your daughter in years & we do have some issues too) But I got to talk to your son in depth in 2002 & was very impressed at what a together, adult, responsible 18 year old he was then (it was july) & he told me he barely remembered his mother from his childhood, she was the ogre in the bedroom asleep that you had to tiptoe around. he remembered you & P & I raising him, not his mom so I would pat yourself on the back for that one & focus on your kids in spite of their adulthood. talk to my mother if you have to. she can tell you horror stories of the after math of suicide after all that's what she does is help people clean up afterwards, (emotionally at least) Look, I don't have any answers here either, I get frustrated, paranoid, worried & emotional myself but I know there's plenty to life & that seeking to end life is irresponsible & selfish. You & only you choose how you're going to meet life's challenges & if you make a consious effort to really be present in your every day life it can help you get through anything. I walked through my seperation with Rick with him moving in with a 19 year old with a bigger ass than mine, a shaved head & snaggle teeth right in the same town of 520 that I lived in & I held my head up through the gossip, laughter & embarassment of the whole thing, I took a job in the nursing home as a housekeeper & I focused on really seeing the elderly people there & talking to them, even if I got back giberish they at least knew someone responded to their giberish. & I work hard everyday to make sure that every call I take the person will remember me even if they're pissed at me for what I have to tell them about the company I work for's business policys they will remember that I was calm, courteous & as kind as possible about the whole thing & as I go from one awful call to the next pissed off customer I have learned to mentally shake the last one off before I take on the next one so my annoyance at the idiot who couldn't figure out where the select button on their remote was does not cary over to the person who's pissed because someone's ordered 120 $ worth of porn..
Find something anything at all that takes you out of yourself & makes you forget about your problems.

Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST

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