Things to do before I die
Now Playing: What the Hell Have I? Alice in Chains
Topic: General Diatribes

I was filling out a survey to put on my 'regular' blog & was struck by the question: '3 things you want to do before you die'. It reminded me of a book I saw either at the library or in a bookstore (been to both recently & can't remember where I saw it) about 1001 things you 'must' do before you die. & they were all things like skydive, see yellostone ntl. park etc. Now I'm not against these things & I hope to do the 2nd one & would theoretically like to try the first (assuming I was of normal size, strength & abillity- all of which I am not.) also some of the stuff on the list was out of reach of most people I know. I realize that living where I do & coming from the background that I do I am not actualy in the normal range, for instance: My father never went anywhere further south than New York City, (He'd spent plenty of time in all of the 6 New England states though) He never had a credit card & did not want any. None of that is normal by todays standards, it was amusing to me that with in a year of my fathers death my mother had not 1 but 3 credit cards & moved to Houston Texas (that part was temporary- she was back in Mass in less than a year) My ex Aunt here in VA (originally from Mass too) spent almost 10 years up here before she ever went to Roanoke. (She did go home to Mass a few times but never would go to Roanoke- she said she was afraid of the ride down the mountain- I did that ride within 2 weeks of coming here for the first time in 1987 & have loved it ever since. My best friend who's living with me left awhile ago to go to Roanoke & I had a burst of jealousy because she was going to get to drive down there & I had to stay here because the kids will be home from school soon. I comforted myself by reminding myself that the weather is gray & cloudy & the view won't be that good! (I am trying to forget that the weather here has no bearing on the weather in Roanoke, it could be beautiful there when it's pouring cats & dogs here or vice versa) I know of other people, elders I met when I worked at the local nursing home etc. who had never been further than 30 miles from home in their entire lives & were proud of that fact. I could totally understand that. When we first moved back here in 1997 we lived 20 miles from the center of town & 8 miles from the main road, part way up a mountain & since Valerie was only 13 months when we moved I was a stay at home mom for the first 4 or 5 months & then again the following Summer because it made more financial sense for me to be home with the kids than to earn $5.25 an hour & pay someone to watch the kids. Due to the way my ex is he'd go to work & then go out with friends from work or decide to go visit his mother & step dad or other people instead of going home & so I would go at least 2 weeks with out ever leaving home, except for an occasional late night excursion to the nearest store to get milk or something like that. & then, when he did get paid & we went out to go grocery shopping I felt all weird due to having been at home with kids all the time & not leaving the house at all even the small town felt huge & too busy after being at home on a road that saw maybe 10 cars pass by all day long! Things aren't the same for me here, even if I could stay home more than the 3 days a week that I do, the road is too busy for me to feel as isolated as I did there.
As for other things to do before you die, most of them seem to be travel destinations. Places to see & experience, though I did find a bunch of peoples lists of things THEY wanted to do before they died, I don't know that I could do that though, certainly there's things I want to do but I don't like to limit myself with a list, after all, who knows what might happen next. I want to sell my house after my kids are grown & buy a smallish rv & travel around the country to see it. But if gas is $5. a gallon or if I end up a grandmother younger than I hope to, I might have to change those plans. you just never know, & I don't want some piece of paper I wrote 20 years earlier hanging around & making me feel bad about not reaching my 'goals'especially since I've done pretty well so far with getting what I need to keep my family going!

It Could Always be Worse
Now Playing: Once in a Lifetime by The Talking Heads
Topic: General Diatribes

Did you ever have a dream where you can not figure out what anything is, you try to read what's in front of you, you try to click on the link but none of them go anywhere, every button you press does nothing or opens up annother bunch of possibillities that you either don't understand or are not what you need? Welcome to my LIFE! I felt pretty good after yesterday, I felt like I had the whole new computer program at work under my belt, I could schedule a tech to come out, I could set up to replace equipment. Then Monday came, I knew it would be more difficult, the sheer volume alone, people who don't do business on Sundays & people who assume we don't do business on Sundays always call on Mondays so there's Lots of calls coming in. & there's a lot more random stuff, people who are mad because the tech didn't put the cable in where they wanted or left it hanging off the gutter, people who select tech because 'I thought it would be the fastest way to get a person on the phone honey' We're allowed to use the old computer system in certain circumstances (all of which we have to document for the programers to check out so they can make the new program do those things too- I'm not holding my breath for the day that happens-) & the computer with the old program is next to me so I've seen a lot more of my co-workers than I usually do. Every one of them who has walked by my desk to the computer with the old program has been mumbling swears, imprecations & laments all the way there & all the way back. One woman's rant was so blue with swears that I had to mute my customer so he wouldn't hear her.
I try to look at things like this: The job is really the same as it ever was. It's still nice when I fix a little old lady's snowy tv screen. It still stinks when I have to tell people who are at least as poor as I am or sometimes even poorer what it's going to cost to have someone come out & fix their problem. I still take the attitude that if you get on my phone & it's technical I will fix the problem or get someone to you who can fix it. (I tell anyone who I have to talk to who hasn't been at the job as long as I have that tenacity is 70% of the job I DON'T just quit or give up - before I was advanced tech it was a point of pride not to transfer to them. Now I am the end of the line & I make sure what has to be done gets done- even when it means doing unpleasant things.
The only thing which has changed is how I do a lot of the things that have to happen to make sure that people get their remotes or that the tech gets to the right house on the right day. It's a part of my job but not the biggest part & not the most important part. So far everyone who I've had to ask to wait while I resolve their problem thru this new program has been very patient & kind. Especially when I've explained about learning a new computer program. There's always a curmudgeon in there though, once in awhile theres a person or two who just won't wait & they get mad or hang up while on hold. I try to take that as being their problem not mine.

In other news miss 16 finally got a picture of her boyfriend from KY. he's coming to visit in a few more weeks & staying a week. I'm glad she know's who we're meeting at the bus station now! He's cute & I belive, considering her excitement over the pictures, that he's exceeded her expectations of how he would look. So all is very calm & even a little hyper/happy on 16's front. Except of course, for that little inconvenience called school, this is sol (standards of learning) week for her & I've learned from previous years to not even question her as to how she thinks she did I've learned to just wait for the test results & not worry about it too much. She always says she did terrible but she nearly always does very well.
Miss 9 is having a lot of fun with Chrissies daughter, they're sharing a room & are deep in cahoots when they're not at each other's throats. The really amusing thing to me is how Chrissies daughter is just like Chrissie was when we were 12, 13 etc. & how miss 9 although she's 2&1/2 years younger than Sami is nowhere near the sheep I was. If she wants to do what Sami says she does it, if she doesn't she just digs in her heels & says 'no way.' By comparison I just went along with what ever my friends wanted to do & then felt mad because we never did anything I wanted to do & of course the kids who were willing to let me boss them & do what I wanted to do were 'boring.' That's all too familiar in my relationships with men, (except Doug, my relationship with the ocean 2 blocks away from where we lived kept me from being as big a fool with him as I was with others- though some would say I was a fool since I've got miss 16 & he's never even seen her- but that's my reward not my punishment!)
Mr 6 is adjusting pretty well to watching tv in my living room, he definitley enjoys having Chrissies dog here, he loves to run & the dog likes to chase him so that works out well for both of them. We had the garden plowed (the guy still has to come back & till it & break the turf up more in depth) on Saturday. & he's having a lot of fun checking out the hills & valleys of the plowed area, looking for worms & digging up tree roots (I had to cut off 5 or 6 which were 3-4 inches thick) We had a little bigger area plowed to expand the garden this year, last year I was hesitant because I thought it would be too much to take care of & it was, but I also found that stuff will grow even if you don't weed much, you just have to look harder for the stuff that grew. I bought a bunch of seed packs in January so I plan to start all the seeds, buy even more flats & just grow as much as I can, who knows, I've always wanted to learn how to make pickles, maybe I'll learn on cucumbers we aren't able to eat all up!

Music & Me
Now Playing: Tones Of Home By Blind Melon
Topic: History
A Wise person told me once that most people like the music they heard when they were teenagers & shut the door to new music/experiences sometime in their early twenties but that a true music lover will listen to new music for many years past the 'norm'

Annother wise person took me to task when I was a teenager because although it was 1984 & I was just 15 years old I was mostly listening to Led Zeppelin, AC/DC & the Who. (among others) & he was of the opinion that I should've been leaving those old bands behind for the 'new thing' Personally at the time I didn't much care for most of the popular music I was seeing on mtv at the time, I didn't like Madonna or ABC or Duran Duran- I liked Def Leppard & the Pretenders etc. though & I must say Mtv was a lot better at keeping a balance between different genres of music back then than they do now.
I have always listened to a wide range of music. (As long as it's Rock) I'm equally comfortable listening to Del Shannon, The Beatles, The Cars, Guns & Roses or Audioslave (my current favorite new band) & I like most everything in between.
As I get older I see what the first person meant though. Many of my friends are only into the stuff they listened to as teenagers (most notably Black Sabbath & Metallica)
Others only like music that reminds them of the past & only want to listen when they're alterd in one way or annother.
Or they've changed completely & listen to only Country music or Rap now & have no use for what they would have killed or died for 10 years ago.
I know only a few people who're still checking out new stuff. Besides my kids that is.
My biggest frustration is that there's not enough time to listen to everything I want to hear & that so much stuff gets left behind. If I hadn't invested in Cinderella's Cd Long Cold Winter I'd probably have forgotten all about 'Bad Seamstress Blues' which was never that popular but I loved it. & of course 'Coming Home' was one of Lois' Fathers & my 'songs'
That brings me to one of my favorite things about music. It's abillity to transport me right back to where I was when I first heard the song. I used to (even at 15- when I had time for such things) write down the mental links I had with certain songs. I would love to sit down & do that again. But where to start? Putting all my favorite songs from my cd collection in the windows media player has been interesting in that way, I found I have some odd glitch in mine which does not save every song's name to the song so I have to go back & type them all in along with rate the song & set up play lists. So as a result I'm hearing at least part of every song I loaded in. For instance right now I'm listening to 'Unskinny Bop' by Poison & remebering in 1990 driving 200+ miles with my mother, grandmother & Lois (she was 6 months old) I did most of the driving as I didn't have a car of my own & missed driving one & My Mother was tired (she always is tired- she's the type who gets out of bed, sits down to have her first cup of coffee & when you ask her how she is this morning she says 'tired' right off the bat) So I drove the whole way & back again. I played the radio the whole way, disregarding the fact that both my mother & grandmother are jazz fans & do not care for rock at all.... That song must have played 10 times over the 4 hour drive & I sang along each time. (nowadays I shudder at the mental picture- but at the time I didn't care.)
Then there's the Whole catergorizing factor that the media player adds. I set up my own names for my playlists but for heavens sake, the auto populated ones? who put this stuff in here? Does anyone actually put songs under the classification "songs I hate?" I mean, why waste the hard drive space for songs you hate? I know, purists will load a whole cd to preserve the integrity of the cd. the heck with that, I want to be able to use the shuffle feature & know that every song that plays I've given at least 3 stars rating because I didn't waste any space on songs I don't like.
Now that I've been naming songs for a few days (I alternate between loading more songs & naming the ones loaded in already) I'm finding that arranging the play lists by decade just isn't working. it's ok for the 60's & 70's because I don't have a LOT of music from those decades (they're mostly on album if I have it & I'm a long way from being able to afford the technology to transfer albums to the computer) but the 80's, how can you have u2 & guns & roses in the same genre? they just don't go together. But since I like them both I have them in the same space. I can already see that I'm going to have to go back through once every song has it's name & then reclassify. This is the sort of thing I used to love to do. (once again, when I was a homeschooled teenager with WAY too much time on my hands)
Of course, I always, when new music comes out, or I begin a project like this, ordering my music in a 'reasoned' way. Wonder what my brother would think. Frozen in time at age 16 like he is it's hard to apply his ideas & attitudes to the world today. The internet was largely unknown in 1989 when he died. He was hardcore to the end though, so I suppose he would've been against the whole thing. He was so caught up in his own labels that he called my listening to anything less hard than say, Metallica. (who, I might add, I don't care for much, having had them shoved down my throat by my brother & every guy I ever dated or even hung around with but Doug- who was too old for that particular music-) Selling out. He then turned on Metallica when they put out the video for 'one' because they had said they would never do videos & then they bowed to pressure & did it anyway (I'm sure he was rolling in his grave during the 'Enter Sandman' phase - which, incedentally is nearly the only song I ever liked by them - 'King Nothing' being annother & of course that Thin Lizzy song- 'Whiskey in a Jar' but that's because I liked the original & the imagery in the song)I can't imagine what he would think of the way music is now though. He'd probably Hate most of it- curmudgeon that he was.

I got One Small Thing that's on my Mind, am I Half Dead? or am I Doin'Fine?
Now Playing: Lighting Crashes By Live.

I know few people will remember that song - the one my blog is named after, If they were hard rock - mtv viewers in the early 80's they may even remember Black & Blue, I have both their albums though I admit the last time I played them was probably 1991 for old times sake= just before my record player gave out. I got a new one 3 years ago (yes, they still make record players. I got mine from the VT Country store .) & I still haven't had the inclination to play those particular albums. I felt this was a good name for a blog where I want to take out my frustrations with out reproach, I only give this blog address to a few people, those closest to me (not my mother though) who I know can take it if I mention them... I have to censor myself on the other blog because I gave the address to my mother & some other people who feel they need to tell me what to write & how I should write about them & their family (read this: my Ex's cousin- she was offended because I said I liked her family in small doses)
I, of course want this blog uncensored so if you're reading this there's a 90% chance you don't know me but really, feel free to comment, I'd like to know if anyone's hearing me.
I know I write less here but what I say here is more personal & more important to me, I often write what I feel, censor it, post it on the 'normal blog' & put the uncensored version here. I would love to be able to write everyday, I could find all kinds of things to say, I know I could, just reminiscing about my childhood could keep me busy for weeks - boring, I know. I also try to keep the questionaires, opinion polls & thursday thirteen/tuesday self portrait stuff to a minimum here. This one's for writing.
I don't have much to say tonight of course, I am frustrated with work, but don't neccesarily want to get into that tonight, after all it is Friday night. Because of work my week is messed up next week, I have mandatory overtime (yet again) tommorow night for some stupid pay per view boxing event I have to be there from 6 to 10 pm. then I have Sunday off which is rare. then I have to work a 5 day week from 10 am to 6:30 pm all next week so I can learn a new computer program which I know I will hate because I have watched the pilot program from across a walkway & everyone using that program looks even more stressed than normal. We are also going back to weekly mandatory overtime. I have a tendency to look on the bright side about everything (some of my co-workers tell me I'm sick) So I'm trying to look on the bright side that we are going to get paid for sitting around for a few days listening to someone talk & trying out new stuff. & as for the Overtime I have to try to look at it as more money not just more stress, & they are going to let us choose our hours, so I can work an extra hour each night after work instead of having to come in on a day I wouldn't normally work. There has to be a bright side to most
Everything, after all if I look at things from the negative side too much I'll sound like Lois: 'Miss Goth 2006' & I'd have to wear eyeliner & mope around saying 'no one likes me but John' 'I hate my life' 'I'd be happier if I lived with John in Kentucky' sometime's I'm tempted to buy her a bus ticket!

The Chaos Continues
Now Playing: Renegade, by Styx. sung badly on some tv show Chrissies watching

I just haven't felt like writing lately, my normal 4 person house is up to 6 now & while it's nice to have a 2nd adult in the house & company around all the time it's still an adjustment & I am having trouble getting used to doing stuff around the house while other people are sleeping etc. With my own kids I can say 'tough, you should be up anyway' if I disturb them by getting up & doing laundry at 9 am on a tuesday. With Chrissy as my guest/housemate I feel bad about it. I am not allowing myself to feel too bad though because it's my house & she could always go in my room if I bother her. (eventually we'll have the garage fixed up & She'll be out there but for now she's on the couch- I snore)The point here is I feel funny typing with people walking around & possibly looking over my shoulder.
I suppose I shouldn't worry about it, after all anything I write here is available to anyone on the internet, but the process of creation is not always what the final product looks like...Man that sounded very pretentious didn't it?
In other news I've got Lois getting ready to have her boyfriend from Kentucky here for a few days in June, I'm not really very enthused about this but at the same time, she's 16 & I can't exactly keep her in shrink wrap until she's 18. I made the appointment yesterday for her to talk to the Doc about birth controll pills. The real deed was already done, 2 years ago, with out my knowledge while we were at a friends house on vacation over the summer. It took her 6 months to tell me about that.. I guess she felt the announcement on the way to Massachusetts that she smokes & dosen't intend to stop was enough revelation for that particular vacation. (yes, that was fun to hear at 3 am on Interstate 81 at 80 mph)
As I said, you can't wrap them in shrink wrap or hermetically seal them. Of course I suppose it could be said that you don't have to let them have the guy right there in your house either! But Kentucky's a long way & he's going to ride a bus I figure if he's willing to ride a bus for 15 hours for my daughter the least I can do is put him up.
I'm kind of dreading the whole thing, though at least it's motivating her to get her learners permit so she can drive around with him (he's not too good on a stick shift) & I do want her to get her licsence it's getting ridiculous- I was late getting mine myself but that's because I moved out before I was 18 & then had trouble orchestrating an apointment that my Father & I could both get to. (the first time, when I failed the registry cop suggested I try again on an automatic transmission car 'because it's easier for girls, honey') Hopefully she won't encounter any such B/S

Summing the Whole Visit from Hell up...
Now Playing: Break my Rusty Cage by Soundgarden
Topic: Family Business

All in All it could have been a lot worse, The Ex's visit went off flawlessly, we all went bowling on Tuesday & they aparently left at 3 am Wednesday morning so I got my Wednesday to myself (or to the kids & Chrissy & Samantha - we went bowling too) the downside is my vacation to Massachusetts this summer has to be moved back by 2 weeks, originally it was supposed to be June 28 to July 12, now it's going to be July 11 thru July 26, which the kids are especially upset about, but it's not anything I can change, they only let you borrow 1 paid day off & because I took one for the Ex's visit I have to earn annother day before we can leave, I've tried multiple configurations of borrowed days, swaped days etc. but this is the only one which makes sense, because I work 2 days, have a day off & then work 2 more & have 2 days off, taking 1 day off instead of 2 makes no sense because if I take 1 then I have to work 1 & have 1 or 2 off again.
Things could have been much worse, I definitley felt his attitude a bunch, he was pretty obvious that he thought my house too small & dumpy. I don't much care, I like it & that's all that matters really. I'll be surprised if he does a whole lot better that I. His last comment about the house thing was that they're going to use his vetrans benifits to buy his Mom's doublewide. No offense to my Mother in law (especially since I love her place & think the views from her place are spectacular) I'm still glad I have a house not a doublewide... Also I didn't mention it to him but I know from when I was buying my place that you have to have a down payment of 20% to purchase a manufactured home of any kind which is already in use, it's easier to get your own new one on a piece of property than to buy someone's used doublewide!I kept that to myself partially so as not to look like I was trying to shoot him down or play the naysayer (he hates that I know) & partly for my own darker reasons (ie: I'd love to see him fail.
The thing which made my stomach drop the furthest was the way looked me in the eye & told me he'd be back in Iraq after 5/2 & he'd be IMing me & emailing after that.... It sounded too much like he was looking to start trying to weasel back in.
I will also say that the more I see of his wife the more I like her. She's a Scorpio like him so I will never trust her. On the plus side though she's one of the few people I know who has no problem with openly conflicting with him- something that makes my hands & knees shake just thinking about it. Chrissy didn't like her at all, says she's cold which she certainly is but so is he so they're a good pair. I really hope they change their mind about moving down here or that at least its them, not just him.

A Status Report on the Only Thing On My Mind Currently
Now Playing: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
Topic: Family Business
Yeah, he's here, so is Chrissie, She's been a great support, though it really has not been too bad yet. They spent yesterday, Easter, with his Brother's family & their Dad, his wife & their son. The worst part was on my way to the house after a 10 hour work day I saw the car with the WI liscence plates rolling towards me on the road & it kept going, it was dark & I could not see who or how many people were in the car, I immediately remembered all the times I have heard him say, 'well fine, I'll just take the kids to WI & the WI laws will apply & I'll have custody' I almost turned around & followed the car but I called my Brother in law & acted like I was just letting him know I was on my way & he immediately told me the Ex & miss9 had just taken a run to the store but mr6 & his 5 year old son were playing together as we spoke. I felt very relieved & my hands had almost stopped shaking by the time I arrived at the house, I hung out & waited for them to come back from the store, made plans for mr6 to go with his uncle & cousin fishing in a few weeks on a sunday- which I'm sure he'll love.
The Ex is as usual morose & bitter & grouchy. Even when he's trying to be caring towards the kids it comes out as commands & threats.
No major confrontations last night, we behaved ourselves. Today was also non eventful in the arguing, cutting remarks & rude asides categories too, though I definitley got the feeling he was inspeecting my house for dirt, grime & unsafe things (the ladder stairs to the girl's bedrooms were inspected at length to the point where I offered to have him build some steps there if he'd like since he'd be cheaper than a handyman. He declined) We actually had a pretty good time because his new wife has been through the wringer with him lately & so we kind of ganged up on him & teased him a little, my own private observation is that marriage is not going to last much longer & I hope he doesn't think he's got a place waiting for him here.
Now they're talking about buying a house down here & moving down here. That's what I'm predicting will be the breaking strain on the Marriage. He doesn't do well in a small town, (I hope it's not this county at all- I think the next county over, where his Brother lives would be better) He seems to feel too smothered, too compressed & he did not like everyone knowing his business,
When we were still together he worked with a kid who then got fired & came to work where I worked. A few months of working with this kid (24 where I was 29 then- still a kid to me) He & I were pretty good friends. He then asked me one day if I knew T was hanging out a lot with the daughter of the boss at my ex's work & was at her house a lot at night, I did know that, we shared 1 car back then & I actually was there a lot too. But I really appreciated this kid's attempted heads up on the situation. My Ex, on the other hand was Pissed. He wanted to go beat the kid up for 'sticking his nose in where it didn't belong' This is how my Ex reacts to people just looking out for one annother.
Of course, I did find out a few years after he moved out that he was doing the Boss' daughter's best friend off & on that summer when I wasn't around. (I truly belive though, that you always know, in retrospect there were plenty of looks, glances & asides which I ignored when I was around them together, I just chose not to pay attention to them to the point where I had to act on them)
Yeah, If they move down here I'll be on her side, not his, in any problems there are, I feel like I'd have to be, I've been through it all before.
The ETD (estimated time of departure) was supposed to be Tuesday, now it's being moved around & may be Wednesday or Thursday, I'm not too pleased about that let me tell you!

Back in the Saddle Again,
Now Playing: Megalomania by Incubus
Topic: Family Business
The computer came home (finally) on monday evening, I pretended to my ex & a few other people that I didn't hook it right up monday when I got home but I did. I've been catching up since then. The ex had left an email on 4/7 saying he was coming the 12th. I hadn't heard from him since, there was only the 1 email on the 7th & nothing else either way. So thinking it was because he was in transit I went into panic mode, cleaned the house, changed my schedule at work, I had hounded my boss through sunday & monday to get me the 17th off. Then when I got the email from the ex that he was coming early I called work to change that & was told I had to come in & do it in person & thursday, the next day I work, wasn't enough notice to do so. I went in there & ended up face to face with the Director of the place who approved my day off with out a pause, originally he was going to set up for me to have both friday & monday, but I said no, friday should do it...
Open mouth, insert foot. Now this morning I get up & there's an email from the ex saying oh, change of plans I'm getting home the 14th, we'll be there the 16th!!
I'm going to let my boss sort it out with the Director tommorow when we're back to work.
Let me just state for the record that I wish my ex would either drop out of my kids lives altogether (no big loss considering how seldom he calls or writes or sees them:2002, 2004 & 2006-if he shows up) Or would move back to this state & file for visitation so we're on a regular schedule where I can say to the kids, ok, Dads going to be here to get you Tuesday, Thursday & next weekend...etc...(really I wish he'd just drop out completley, they barely know him after all...)
The thing that really upsets me is the knowledge that he may have been messing with me just to mess with me...No one else in the family had heard of any changes in his schedule but me. Which made me wonder about it at the time, but my work is so psychotic about days off & having to request them in advance & all, that I went & changed my day off. Now there's good things about having Friday off, it means I have to work tommorow but then I'll be off Friday & Saturday, but then it also means I have to work Sunday & Monday & the ex will be here for Monday which leaves things kind of open & rather dangerous for my kids who would be home with 16 in charge. Though Chris is supposed to be here too, I don't feel like I should put it on her to have to tell my ex 'no, you can't take the kids out on your own'. especially since I know she wouldn't want to call the cops if he gets pushy, something I have no problem doing myself at this point... We've been through enough & if he wants to be a dick, well let him. I can be a bitch too!
There are bright sides to the whole thing though, my drive to work at 530 last night with all 3 kids was a pretty drive with the sun in a different position from where it is on my way to work in the morning. Then after my business was taken care of we went to dinner at a mexican resturant which I really love. & then we went & got a push broom & some other odds & ends, wasp spray especially. At the big chain hardware store with the blue sign.
Then on the way home everone (but me) thought we needed desert, since my car needed oil though I stopped at a store & got everyone ice cream treats & a good time was had by all on a night that would otherwise have included homework, showers & negotiating online time for 4 people 2 of whom only want to play games & should be doing their homework.
It really was a nice night, the sort of impromtu thing we used to do a lot of before I bought the house & had more money because when I was in the trailer I paid $150. a month lot rent & once I got up over 10 bucks an hour there was plenty of money for most stuff... now my mortgage is 4 times what I paid for lot rent (I know thats still not much as mortgages go!) & the money makes it but there's not a lot of extra for meals out & picking up odds & ends when I need them. I'm shopping (thru the newspaper & peoples yards) for a used ride on lawn mower & waiting for a loan against my 401k to come through to buy said lawnmower. so because I'm also borrowing more than I need for the lawnmower so I have something available for other stuff I have a little extra cash right now. The better to look prosperous to my ex my dear! Though someone did point out to me that looking too prosperous could cause him to try to get me to take him back & that would be a pain in the rear because he can be charming & he is my younger kids father (16 has thought of this already & announced she's moving in with my mother if I ever allow that to happen- I'm sure my mother will be thrilled) I am still afraid of him, I still have a lot of trouble saying no or denying him things he asks for & it would be a real problem if he did try to get back in my good graces (always assuming he & the new wife won't last which to her credit I doubt they will, I take her to be too strong & sure of herself to put up with his bull for too much longer)

Got to do What they Told ya (from the song I'm listening to)
Now Playing: Killing in the Name, Rage Against the Machine
Topic: History
When I was a kid, & I mean right up until 20 or so. When things were put in perspective for me by my brothers suicide, The surest way to get me to do something was for my Mother to tell me not to do it. The reverse was true too, if she told me to do something I would go to outrageous lengths not to do what she said to do. Now, if someone else asked something of me, my Father, Grandmother, Aunt or Uncle, even a stranger on the street. I would bend over backwards to do what they wanted. I was contrary, difficult & rude to her & I know it, but seriously, she was no great prize herself, she was hateful, mean, depressed & morose most of the time & also showed blatant favortisim for my brother. The best thing we could have done was keep out of each others way & we did try to do so for the most part.
One night at dinner on a Saturday (which was different from most nights, my grandmother ate with us & we ate spagetti in the dining room ever saturday night- so it was more formal) I did something or other & she was exceptionaly rude in her reaction to what ever it was (I may have dropped a fork or knocked over my drink- it was nothing too important) & in annoyance I said to her 'you know for everything that pisses you off about me theres 5 that piss me off about you' Probably because it was in front of my grandmother she would not let it go. She bugged me loudly all through dinner & followed me around the house after dinner trying to get me to tell her what bugged me so much about her.
Finaly I wrote her a list. To my surprise she responded to everything on the list & in a few cases (where she wasn't in complete denial) even conceded I had a point! I still have her responses in the diary I was writing in back then & once in awhile I re-read them.
The oddest thing about her parenting & my parenting is we've done the exact same things but differently. Most things she did as a parent were in direct reaction to how she was raised, she didn't like her childhood & had vowed not to raise us the same way.
I can't say much about how she was raised, She has never point by point told me what she didn't like & when I talk with my grandmother about it she says my mother & her brothers had great childhoods (she would though, she raised them) Some of my Mothers beleifs in raising us were that chores were not neccesary, we would see the need to keep our rooms clean, pitch in with the general dusting vacuming etc on our own & just cheerfully & willingly help with out being asked (Yeah, that backfired on her! by the time I was 11 she'd given up on that & I had to do the lunch dishes, clean 1 floor of the house every week -we alternated floors- & clean my room myself- you read that: never cleaned my room)She did not spank or hit us at all, ever. (well once she slapped me for giving her a 'look' but it was early in the morning & she hadn't had her coffe yet, I was about 4 & still remember it to this day so it made an impression.) she yelled a lot though & I am totally unafraid of eye contact with cops or people in supervisory positions because of all the staring contests I've had with her when she was 'trying to get through to me' (she spent a lot of time doing that) I'm no where near as picky as she was about house cleaning, As long as there's a path thru the bedrooms & homework is done & the rooms I'm in (like the Living room, Kitchen & dining room) are all in fairly good order I don't really bitch much (ok, yeah, I like the dishes to be done too)
She belived in letting us do our own thing, that included walking by myself 1 mile to the shopping district of our town when I was 8. (actually that was my father who let that happen while she was at work I think) going swiming at the park every day all summer long (she worked there some years so there wasn't much choice about what we were going to do) while we were homeschooled doing what ever we wanted, even reading for 4 years straight & not doing much else.
However she insisted we go to sunday school, take piano lessons, when I was 8-12, go to campfire girls (hated it)
So it wasn't like she didn't ever force her opinions on me, she just picked her fights.
I am stricter with my kids than my parents were with me, at least when it comes to pitching in, cleaning up & doing what they want vs. what I want them to do. I am pretty laid back though, (my ex thinks I'm too laid back)& we have a lot of fun together, hiking & going up to Mass on vacations, doing crafts together & reading together etc.
As long as homework is done & the rooms I spend time in are reasonably clean I don't stress much about anything. Except I get mad when they fight too much or bug me too much about stuff I can't change, like it's not my fault it's raining & I'm busy cooking dinner & can't drop everything to play a game with them.

Diatribes
Now Playing: It's the End of the World (as we know it) by REM
Topic: Family Business
I'm sitting here thinking after having been on instant messenger with the ex, he is as usual, having issues, right now it's with his new wife, aparently she does not want him to play hockey when He's in the US for 15 days. But he says he is going to be playing a charity hockey game which he just happens to be there for during his time off.. & she's mad about it, as I told him I see both sides of it 'yours because I'm at peace with the whole thing & actually think there are many WORSE things you could be doing than playing hockey... & hers because I know its just because she loves you & wants to be with you as much as possible while you're home & is going to resent every minute apart or where you're not focused on her & your son.' She was taking his time up & he says he's going to come back & talk with the kids later. we shall see.... It's much easier being his ex than his wife, I can laugh at his hare brained schemes & it's not going to make a difference in how I sleep tonight (or if I get laid- That won't be happening...lol...)

Got an IM back from him allegedly he's too busy to talk right now,(important army business- personally I hope they're under attack) So I pulled up my IM list & talked to his cousin, She had IM-ed with him yesterday & he had told her he'd be there 4/25! So we're trying to decide who he's lying to. probably her. He thinks we don't talk - we've let him belive this because we figure we can catch him in his stories easier if we compare notes... Immature? yes. But this guy is a doozy, as evidenced by the fact that he was telling her he'd be there for her birthday & is telling me he'll be here Easter which is 10 days earlier (I'm pretty sure he's not lying to me...after all he wants to see his kids...lol..) I know he says he doesn't like her too much & probably was being nice. Figuring I wouldn't tip her off to his early arrival & he could be in & out again before she & the others he doesn't like even know he's been there...
The funny thing about it though is that she's spoken to his Sister, his Mother & Brother, all of whom he's telling me he's going to spend time with & she says none of them even knew he was coming!
LOL, he's done that before, I'm used to it, when we were married it bugged the heck out of me. Now I think it's funny 'cause it's not my problem.
Of course, I know if I let him know where I live I'm going to have to worry about him just showing up any old time...Because that's the way he is....ugh, I have really mixed emotions on this whole mess.
It does not help that my job is not flexible at all. You have to be there if you're scheduled & you can only miss 5 days before they write you up & 7 before you're fired. (I don't know where I'm at either. because my boss just tells me not to worry about it & a few days I missed were excused due to bad weather but I don't know which were & which weren't.)Chris is coming that same weekend & I am actually really glad about that because hopefuly she'll be at my house while I'm at work & the ex is around. (although it means I won't have as much time for a real visit with her if I've got to think about him & where he's at the whole time too) Otherwise, his brother & sister in law are going to have their hands full with my 2 little ones on top of their own 3!
In checking email I found that my former sister in law, the afore mentioned one with 3 little ones, (oldest=5) got a call from the new wife just the other day on this issue. She told me not to worry about it & that I didn't need to ask them to keep the kids, I could bring them over anytime & they'd be welcome. She's too good to be belived! of course, Chris will be here too so we'll have to figure out what to do exactly. Last night he claimed it was for sure that he'd be here 4/16 & declined to say for how many days. Said he was in a hurry for a meeting & would get back to me today. & he's online now but Idle so no communnication, the story of my life with him No communication!