Now Playing: Far Away by the Offspring
Topic: Rambling on
Here I am again, annother 'weekend' gone & not much acomplished, well, I did pay off some bills this week which is important & I know where my kid's Christmas is coming from now. (thanks to a loan which has a lower interest rate than my credit cards & the other things I'm paying off) Still, even so, I'm deep into my November funk,
"No Fruits, No Flowers, No Leaves, no birds, November"
-Thomas Hood.
It works for me, I used to be insulted by that saying, November being my birthday month & all, but then birthdays stopped being a great thing & began being a torturous, embarasing, never-live-up-to-my-expectations event (this was around age 11 & had, I think, more to do with hormones & my family's genetic tendencies towards depression than any real lack of good things on my birthday) My parents were poor, to a point which I could never stand to be in my life now most of my childhood & they made no bones about it & so I grew up with the thought in the back of my mind that every gift I got could mean no food next week I had a lot of guilt needless to say. Christmas, because everyone gave & got didn't feel that way but because on my birth
day it was just about me I felt like it was wrong & I was not deserving of any fuss, I made my own birthday cake most years. Except for the year I turned 17, my mother made my cake because I had a charity thing to help with on the Saturday morning that we were having my party & while the cake was cooling, my mother was vacuming the house (a regular Saturday occourence- we all made plans to be elsewhere) & my Father & Brother were coming to pick me up from the charity rummage sale my brothers dog ate the cake! My mother was PISSED! it was really pretty funny in retrospect - I'm not sure she thinks so though- So I came back home & made the birthday cake myself once again. One of my best birthdays was my very first in Floyd, it was 1987 & I had just picked up & left MA with Chrissie a few weeks before, I made the dinner (I don't remember where the Turkey even came from) & a cake, for some obscure reason I bought a tub of premade- Cherry icing, ugh, not a cherry fan anymore I have to say!) I still have a butterfly pin & the earrings I was given that year! It was the year I went from 18 to 19 & I remember Chrissie saying 19 was lots better than 18. Other years, with 16's dad & my family when 16 was a little baby were bleah, just annother day with my grandmother at least being kind- some years my birthday, the 26th actually falls on Thanksgiving & those are the worst, people like to suggest putting candles in a pie (I hate pie- not the filling, just the crust) I usualy just celebrate over the weekend following the holiday. In later years my ex did his best to give me good birthdays, the infamous first year when he took my oldest out with him & I went to take a hot bath (my favorite thing when I have free time & no kids to interrupt) & half an hour into it he came back in & was not pleased to find me in the tub, he had a bunch of our friends & his family outside, ready to come in & surprise me for my birthday! yeah, that was great! That was the year my friend J gave me a card which at the bottom she'd lovingly scrawled '16 years till you're 40' (her birthday was 6 weeks before mine & annother friend of her's had done the same to her! - just passing on that happy feeling!) well, this year I'll be 38 & so it's 2 years till I'm 40 & I don't really care, I've been so fat for so long I've felt old nearly forever! It's all in your head, that's what my 88 year old grandmother tells me, she says she feels in her head about the same as she did when she was 25 or 30 still & I can see that, it's about the same for me. In recent year
s (you read that: since my ex left) things have been tight most years & often the only notice I took of my birthday was that when I asked my mother or grandmother for money to help with whatever the most recent emergency was it was couched in the terms: Could I have whatever you were going to send for my birthday early? & of course a cake which the kids were more interested in than I was. Last year & the year before I've been able to actually have a birthday dinner out & buy a couple of books or some clothes & this year is shaping up the same which is a plus. I think I'm going to get a scanner, I've wanted one for awhile so I can put old pictures on here but I thought they were really expensive, this past weekend we went to a big box electronics store to buy a dvd I'd wanted to see again which I couldn't rent from the local video store - they didn't have it at all (Empire Records for the record & the store did have it for a pretty low price too!) & they had a scanner for $104.99 (!) I'd probably go with the next step up since it was only about 40 bucks more & looked like a more versatile model though. That's one thing I don't like so much about being the only adult in the house- decisions like this are all mine to make & sometimes I could use a little input! Annother thing about it is I usualy just buy my own birthday presents, mostly because I want books & don't always know what books until I'm in the store looking at them.
So then, after 
the birthday (& I guess, Thanksgiving, which I HATE- mostly because I'm here & my whole family is in Mass- my fault though & because I hate turkey) comes the whole Christmas debacle, I used to love Christmas we had boxes & boxes of decorations which came down from the attic the weekend after Thanksgiving & which my Brother & I pored over, checking for breakage, loose or dead bulbs in the light strings etc. until the first weekend in December when we were allowed to decorate (we had control of this from the time I was 8 forward - with a little artistic direction from my grandmother who lived with us-) There were cardboard houses, metal people to walk among them with small mirrors for their ice skating rinks, fake holly & pine garlands, we had a plastic electric candle in every window with white bulbs & plastic poinsettia rings around the base & a big pine tree in the front yard was lit with colored lights, the tree inside we put up a week to 10 days before the holiday & we always had white lights on it (my mother & grandmother were purists & the most common kind of New England snob - the kind with historical ancestors- 'colored lights are garish & tacky unless you just have a few') I am nothing like them though & always felt out of place there, the more color the better, the brighter the better, that's one thing the ex & I were in total agreement on, we loved to put up christmas lights & we always had a lot, I remember the first time we ever saw those icicle lights that are everywhere now.
His aunt had them on her house & as we came down the road on christmas eve on the way to her house & we both said at the same time ' I want those next year!' Those were lean years though, we were always so close to the bone back then, we had to have help from the Salvation Army every year, the last year I got help was 2003, I'm not to the point where I can donate & start giving back (except for change in the pot while I'm out shopping) but I don
't actually need the help anymore (Knock on Wood!) I tried a Christmas Club back in 2004, it didn't help, they disbursed the money in October & 2 weeks later I had a problem with my car & had to use all the money I'd saved to fix the car. (not much, I was on the $5. a week plan so it was less than 300 bucks) Just like a raise at work, what ever they give you, your expenses expand to fill the gap so there's never any extra money!
