A Day in my life (not a work day- too boring!)
Now Playing: Audioslave: I am the Highway
Topic: Stuff & Nonsense
* Got up ridiculously late (yes, I wanted a good, restful sleep & took a melatonin to achieve that but 1130? when I went to bed at 1am?)
* Text messaged a friend who's in transit this week, taking her altzheimers ridden mother & her fairly hfrail father back to Illinois to stay with the mothers sister.
* Web surfed,
* Wrote in my blog,
* Did 4 washes & dried all the clothes in them (this was of course, during the web surfing)
* Read my book (A Breath of Snow & Ashes) by Diana Gabaldon, the most recent in the Outlander series which I have been reading, nearly with out stop since august or september.
* Hung out with my 6 year old when he got home from school for an hour,
* Went to pick my 9 year old up at 4 after her remediation for reading
* Took the little ones to Town to get medication at the drugstore & milk at the grocery..this also includes many 'don't touch', 'no, you can't have that', 'come back here' & 'if you don't stop that you won't come with me again' comments.
* Mediated 1 hour of online time for 9 & 6 year olds & walked them through a Lemonade stand session & helped them find a Teenage mutant ninja turtles website with games.
* Argued with 16 as to why I didn't leave her my phone & as to just who's phone it is anyway.
* Made a halfway decent dinner (pasta bake) only 1 out of 4 doesn't like that one, I only have about 3 meals everyone likes, fortunatley there's more the 3 of them like that I don't like so that helps a little.
* Folded the aforementioned laundry
* Got assorted children to take care of their laundry (found this morning they just stuffed it in the closet)
* Watched the news, local & national,
* Had annother argument with 16 about why I don't want her with my phone glued to her ear for 2-3 hours at a time (I have a problem with one of the guys she is talking with, he strikes me as running her life due to the way she acts when she's on the phone with him.)
* Helped little ones with their homework.
* Miss 16 does not need help, as a matter of fact, she had to leave school early one time & her algebra teacher gave her a paper for me to sign stating that I had given her no help on the paper she had to take with her & she very scornfully said to the teacher "oh, she can't help me at all- she doesn't know anything about algebra at all.
* Watched '30 days' on fx, the topic was Living off the Grid.
* Went back on line to check out info I was interested in on what I'd seen on tv. the people who went to live off the grid lived so wastefully before that if everyone lived as they do we'd need 12 & 1/2 earths to sustain us all, I checked my own usage out & we'd still need 3 & 1/2 if everyone lived like me. How about you? how big is your global footprint?
* Went back to bed at 1130 pm with 16 still online & ended up reading untill 2am.

More about me
Topic: Rambling on

No really I was the original goth chick, (see Below) when I was a teenager in the 80's, I wore black eyeliner, rock tshirts & ripped up jeans (before they were trendy) I listened to heavy metal & hard rock exclusively & did not smile, I had either long hair down over my eyes or my hair was cut the same 2 inch length all over. I was always tuned into a walkman wether it was fm or tapes (most of mine had both options- & belive me I went thru quite a few of those babys) I had this amusing (to me) suicide poem over my bed, there were few girls like me back then & even fewer who 'got' me. (thanks Chris) I can remember my grandmother bemoaning me quite often 'if you have to wear black shirts would you at least wear a black bra - so your decent white one doesn't turn gray' My mother mostly just ignored my look & focused on my mind - or trying to get me to learn more accurately. I know she despaired of me ever amounting to anything. My father for his part told me to watch the movie Badlands as a warning, I loved it & he predicted that I'd turn out just like Sissy Spacek's character. Honestly I was rather insulted in spite of myself but I could see where he was coming from!
At times, when I had to go to a family party, during the holidays, or when I went to stay with my Uncle & Aunt in Haverhill at a historical landmark I felt like I was doning a costume & getting into a role- the role of sweet teenager who likes puppys, babys & kittys etc- has stuffed animals on her bed & flowers on her sheets... although I was way out of that from 14 onward...If I thought I could have gotten away with it I'd have dyed my sheets black. I had a black light & many rock posters, wall, ceiling door, everything was papered with rock stars & their...uh, socks.
I sent an Xmas card out this year with a fairy on it, I thought it was beautiful, she was in pale teal & holding a red gift wrapped in green ribbon... & my mother told me it didn't look like 'me' I suppose she still sees me at 15,16 etc. I was a little insulted at first that my mother didn't think it represented me. but really, she doesn't see that much of me & I am awfully conflicted about what I like, or it's not that I'M conflicted it's that the things I like are major contrasts, I like old music like Simon & Garfunkle & the Beatles, I like Godsmack & Audioslave & Rem & Pearl Jam, & everything in the range between them (just not country or rap or dance music) & I can play, but seldom listen to classical music. I like Grateful Dead stuff, tie dye & I like Antiques & beautiful things, plus I like having a larger television (27 inches- in 2 more years I'm going to 36- I think) & I have a dolby digital surround sound & know how to use it- but I've been here 9 months & have yet to put up the speakers, they're just grouped on top of my dvr. I like Faires & study Wicca (too much involved in the practice, If I was independently wealthy & didn't have to go to work 40+ hours a week I'd be wiccan.) I love reading historical novels & modern ones, (not too much on Scifi though) I feel funny (have withdrawls my daughter calls it) if I don't watch the news every night but the only network tv shows I care about can be counted on less fingers than the average hand has (Medium, My name is Earl & Ghost Whisper) the first time I read the Lord of the Rings trillogy I was 8 years old & I am constantly surprised at how few other women have read them. If there's not music playing in the back ground there had better be one hell of an interesting conversation going on. I still would not mind going back 150 years & living like my Grandmother's ( & 1 of my) favorite artist/authors Tasha Tudor depicts. But I've hung my clothes on a clothesline in 3 of 4 seasons for 8 years (actually in truth, the first year back here in VA we were poor enough I hung clothes in winter too! & I have not actually gotten around to getting a clothesline put up here at the new house) but I am just like that. I like what I like & belive what I belive & who cares if certain parts conflict with other parts (well, my 16 year old daughter does- but I just tell her it makes for a more faceted personality & to get over it!)

I was the original goth chick!


You're a true goth. You see all the wonders and beauties around you that others seem to be blind to. Don't let anyone get you down, you are truely beautiful.

& you? find out at: http://quizilla.com/
(thanks Chris)

100 things about me
Topic: 100 things about me
100 things about me
79- New list- the computer crashed. I'm beginning to hate computers. the joke is that every day I listen to people who's digital video recorders have crashed & I roll my eyes & repeat that all too oft quoted line 'if it's really important to you- back it up on a hard copy' & now I have to deal with a similar issue.

78- I was born In Massachusetts & have lived there or in Virginia all of my life (with occasional forays to New Hampshire, Maine & North Carolina.)

77- I can remember when candy bars were .20 cents, every sunday after church I would walk to the corner store from the church to pick up my familys copy of the New York Times & My Grandmother would give me a quarter for a candy bar, I would save the nickel change in my sunday coat pocket each week untill I had enough for a 2nd candy bar. I can remember my Father telling my Brother & I that candy bars were a nickel when he was 'our age'.

76- I love my new house, after 6 years in a falling down trailer I bought my own house this last May. It is nowhere near as annoying to pay my mortgage as it was to pay rent. at least when I get my mortgage statement each month I get a little readout which shows my escrow growing.

75- There was a time when I prefered reading to almost anything, now it's a close third after internet surfing & spending time with my kids.

74- when I was a teenager I had to make lists of everything, favorite rock band, lead singer, drummer, book, author, movie, actor etc. I made the back part of every diary a space for that when I was a teenager. Now I have too many ideas about everything to be able to list # 1, 2 etc. If I like something I like it & to try to rank it among others I like seems like too much trouble.

73- I worry about wrinkles a lot...they seem to be cropping up more & more these days. I can remember being 8 or so & thinking my mother's face was 'so lined with wrinkles'.. she was about my age now back then. I had no idea!!

72- My brother commited suicide at 16, my father did the same 20 months later. I think this has really made me see just how important it is to savor every day & try to find things to be happy about.

71- I can't sing a note but I can play the piano pretty well- I read music very well though I'm not very good at playing by ear. Playing the piano is one of those things which hovers in the back of my mind as something I'd like to do more often but just never seem to get around to doing (much- the last time was just after Christmas)

70- Favorite Holiday: Halloween. Christmas is a close second. I can't stand Thanksgiving though... I HATE turkey (we have duck for xmas) so Thanksgiving is allways about avoiding food I don't like. (give me a plate of uncooked stuffing, cranberry jell {no berries} & boiled onions & I'll be happy)

a couple of things bothering me today
Topic: just letting off steam
When setting up my homepage with my new satellite internet provider (Wild blue & it's great by the way) I was chosing options: horoscope, news, etc that I wanted on my site, including weather here in VA & in my adopted hometown of Haverhill MA. a quote of the day & so forth. I noticed they had a 'new word of the day' piece so I added it thinking I'd like to learn some new words & this would be a painless way to do so although I do have a pretty good vocabulary. Well it's been 2 weeks now & they have yet to show up with a word I did not already know! The only thing they're helping me on is pronuciation! (that's because most of the words I know I learned from reading in books & the bigger superlatives don't get a lot of spoken word use so I'm not allways sure how it should sound)
In other news I'm continually shocked at how used I have become to having a cell phone by my side every day in only 10 months it has gone from being novel to being irreplaceable & I miss it every day now. You see: the 16 year old's phone died, it dosen't beep when you plug in the charger & so can not be charged. She had dropped it a few weeks before this happened & broken her front screen which is customer damage & voids the warranty so no new phone with out purchasing one. I work in an industry where I have to discuss warranty & out of warranty daily so I didn't freak out on anyone at the store because I know what that's like. I did however go off on miss 16 who dropped the phone in the first place. The response? 'oh, come on mom, I've dropped the phone a thousand times, it just hit the floor wrong that time' I'm ashamed to say I could not restrain myself from pointing out that my phone, the same 10 months old as hers is in perfect condition & I don't drop it at ALL - that got me a goggle eyed look & a 'so? your phone has a camera, it's a better phone- that's why you haven't broken it yet... can I borrow YOUR phone?' Since then I haven't seen my phone much at all... I'm not one of those lucky people with charge cards that aren't maxed to the limit so I had to put 16's money for a new phone in the bank, write a check to the credit card co & am currently waiting for it to show up on the credit card so we can go on ebay & get her a used phone. (cheapest used phone at the phone store? $149.00) she's counting the days & so am I. on work days I only miss it because I'm so used to having it. on days off I flat out refuse to let her take it to school which gives me some time with it to check bills & usage (sharing 1000 minutes a month with a teenager is an adventure let me tell you - thank god for free nights & weekends & free mobile to mobile usage!!) & actually call someone if I should want to. the worst part is knowing it's going to be at least annother week maybe more before she gets her new phone & I get mine back to myself. My contacts list is full of her friends names, I went thru this morning & added a 'z' to all of them so they're grouped together & I'm waiting untill after 7 when usage is free to find a ring tone for all of her friends so when the phone rings that song I know it's for her. I doubt she will appreciate my efforts on her behalf... I think that's the worst of the whole thing the whole assumption on her part that I have no one to call & if I did, it could wait. HER calls are Important though, Life & Death to hear her talk about it.
You spend the first 12 years protecting them from everything & the next 6, 8, 10 (or more?) trying not to kill them yourself....lol!

Snow way!
Topic: just letting off steam

Typical Saturday: every other week I get paid, we go shopping & get 2 weeks worth of groceries, before the house we would go out for a nice meal, get clothes etc. (now with the house it's mostly groceries) I never thought last night there'd be any problem today. The weather man confirmed this, 'oh theres snow on the way, but it's a fast mover, shouldn't leave more than an inch on the ground,' is what he said... so when I rolled out of bed after being awakended by my 6 year old's rapturous joy at 'all the snow' I was quite unprepared for the 2 inches on the ground!!! & it's still snowing too... those little flakes that you just KNOW will last all day. A trip to the computer weather map confirms this, what was supposed to pass to the south of us & just dust the area has turned into a full out, all day barrage of snow... the tv's weather man? hiding behind the saturday morning cartoons! Coward

Write now
Topic: Rambling on
Write Now!
I allways wanted to be a writer when I was young, I wrote in my diary, I wrote my fantasies down & mde them stories. bound them in a way & kept them...I had less problem with people reading my diaries than I did with people reading my stories. Diaries dealt with concrete reality. The stories were how I wished things were & because of that were more embarassing. I treasure my diaries from the past it enables me to go back & look at the person I was when I first came to VA... I found a meeting of someone I still know today in there... I'd forgotten how we met & it was very amusing to re-read it! I also find the diaries very useful when having problems with my oldest at 16 she is sure she's all set to go forth into the world & conquer or at least do better than 'dumb old mom' & I can look back & remember feeling that way too (although I know I'm nowhere near as unhinged as my own mother was when I was 16) But it still gives me insight into how it is to be 15 & 16 years old again

The stories became a sore point.. I wrote them right up untill 1993 or so & in 1996 my ex read some I'd written when I was in VA & he was in NC & we were not together... these stories did not cast him in a flattering light & represented me moving on & finding someone else.. he did not take kindly to them & really threw a fit.. took my writing down being with someone else to mean I had been with someone else (not the case- I've allways lived a lot more fully in my head than in the real world) it took weeks of pleading, cajoling & begging to make him understand & speak to me again (man he WAS high maintainance & I do not miss that bit at all) so we carried those stories thru 2 more moves, 1 in MA & 1 down to VA & he convinced me to burn them at the house in Va in 1998... We really did need the paper for kindling at the time but still, I wish I'd said no now... I would love to read them over now! Although I have my doubts as to how much I could stand it! I was given to the romantic back then & I also assumed I'd lose weight once I got out of my mothers house. now at 37 I've found it's a whole lot bigger issue than I previously belived! But that part is neither here nor there, I haven't got anywhere near the capacity to read soppy romantic crap anymore so I probably would have trouble reading the writings my former teenage & young adult self put out!

100 things about me
Topic: 100 things about me

89- music is practically my life - for nearly 10 years of my life I barely ever watched tv- just listend to music & did stuff- never had the time for tv. that all changed when I had kids though

88- 88 was the year I met my oldests father- (I still know all the dates anything important in my life happened I met D on 9/30/88, & got together with R on 6/28/92, last saw D on 1/20/90, & R&I decided we were getting divorced or at least seperating on 11/8/00. that was all effortless...as easy as pulling up todays date. maybe even a little easier since I didn't work today & don't pay attention to the day if I'm not at work

87- I like to not pay attention to the day or time as much as possible, I love to eat when I'm hungry, sleep til I'm not tired & just do what I feel.like doing when I feel like doing it.

86- I have never spent more than a day in public-formal education. I was home schooled from 5th grade up & before that I went to alternative schools where you could choose to do school work or not

85- as a teenager my favorite place to be was anywhere but home. Being homeschooled made me very bored about being at home

84- most of the nicknames I have I hate... Rebekells is C's, rebecky is K's. Beckala was J's, the only one I ever liked was Beck which I still use. But my original nickname- Becky is my preferred name- call me Rebekah & I feel like I'm in trouble

83- All my kids have nicknames too: fallopius, lolobelle. hellois, atv,(for all terrain valerie) valzabrat, vallerina, camdaman, camerot, & buddy.

82- I have had many more crushes than real relationships- I only consider 2 as relationships

81- I try to consider my ex a friend but he makes it hard & I have to keep reminding myself why I should not do so. I need a list of 100 reasons not to consider him a friend!!

80- I got this idea for 100 things about me from someone who I used to consider a friend but who dosen't speak to me anymore because my ex & I skipped out on a rental that she had refrenced us for.

My Loves...hah!... For Valentines day
Topic: just letting off steam

I've had many more crushes than reciprocated loves In my life...being Fat & Shy is a poor combination if you're hoping for Love after all

#1 first heavy one, at 11 was JH, he was a spoiled preppy guy this kid wore elasticized belts with spouting whales on them...uhg! Now he seems to be a tv reporter in my home state... my Grandmother & Mother get to tell me all the time 'oh, I saw JH on tv the other night'

#2 it's a fairly reocuring theme of mine to go from 1 extreme to the other I went from the goody two shoes sunday school prep to my neighborhood's bad boy... that was a disaster... TM never even looked at me except when aiming snowballs or rocks at me

#3 Then I made a cardinal mistake..never develop a crush on someone who someone in your family is involved with! especially not when the family member is the same sex as the crush is... It was fairly depressing becoming a fag hag at 15...lol

#4 I carried most of these crushes for years alternating between them at the same time... there were others, CC was a big one, annother guy who didn't pay the slightest interest to me

#5 My first 'real' boyfriend was AD who I met my first year away from home living in Hull Ma. He was a friend of my roommates boyfriend & I was more concerned over why he would want to go out with me... we didn't last long..I'd had plans to visit family & when they fell thru I went back to my apartment & slept most of the weekend, he was mad I didn't call him instead & broke up with me

#6 next sorta boyfriend was a guy from work who was ok but sort of slow... I felt more like he was better for me because I was so socially retarded anyway being shy, having been homeschooled & relating a lot more to books than to people... I moved away to Virginia to get away from S (I can't even remember his last name!)

#7 In VA I had annother crush on DB he was lonely but not, apparently lonely enough to go out with me ( & this was during my thinner phase...how depressing! I'm starting to regret even starting this.......lol..) Everyone thought we should go out except him & when I was getting ready to go back to MA he deigned to sleep with me as a last gasp sort of thing... told me he felt it was abuse of a sort to do so. the same evening we did it (afterwards though)

#8 I had a few meaningless affairs after I was back in MA, nothing I'm too proud of... then I dated DP for awhile. he was of annother nationality & we worked together.. my kids still love to look at the pictures of us in my album... his mother broke us up because she didn't want him dating out of his nationality

#9 I met my oldest daughters father by picking him up hitchiking.. this may sound very odd in most parts of the country but as everyone in Hull Ma knows if you need a ride stand at the rotary & you'll get picked up...when I lived in Hull ( see #5) I used to hitchike from there everyday... there was a bus to Hull but it only ran in the 80's when they felt like driving it....so since I was driving around aimlessly & going thru the rotary & this guy was standing there I had to stop... any one who's stood in that spot knows this... when you've got a car & someone's there you HAVE to stop....

#10 D's & my relationship started at the Dungeons- annother well known Hull place, we went to dinner at Jakes for lobster & the very next night I took him to Topsfield fair which ended as a disaster... he had a delicate stomach & was an alcoholic at the same time... needless to say the rides I wanted to go on were not his cup of tea.

#11 ignoring this we began a relationship & had quite a few (alcohol soaked) good times, we found we'd nearly met about 3 different times, he was a cook at a restaraunt where I had been going to wash dishes thru my friend/roommate who he knew from the restaruant too... & then he was a house painter when a friend of my roommates & mine was a brush cleaner for the same co & when J lit his arm on fire D was there...I was telling him this story & he finished it for me because he already knew it. the relationship culminated in my renting a room in the house he was janitor in (this was in trade for his rent) I got pregnant in May & by August he was so unpleasant & I was so upset that I moved out...Last time I saw him was about a week before my daughter was born & last time I spoke to him was at 330 am on the night she was born (she was born at 257am) he told me he was 'glad everything worked out for me' he's never seen his daughter.

#12 I've known my ex since he was 8, I was 13 at the time & unimpressed.. I grew up with him being at my house all the time. he was a friend of my brothers though my brother avoided him at hockey season because my brother had little to no interest in sports & R Loves hockey.

#13 a few years after my oldest was born R & I started hanging out together & this developed into a relationship which was on again off again for 8 years, we married 2 years into the mess & had quite a few good years but there were allways ups & downs... he wouldn't hold a job steadily & while we had very young children (most of this time) I was at home with them because day care would have cost almost as much as I ccould have made working. he agreed with me on this to my face but I know now from friends & relatives that he was telling everyone else I was lazy & didn't want to work.

#14 when he left in 2000 I tried a couple of jobs & settled into what I do now & I've been there nearly 5 years... he just as always has had more jobs than I can count... it's a nice but mean feeling to be able to say 'well, who's lazy now? I have a house, a car & don't worry about where the payments are coming from & you're still living hand to mouth'

#15 still there's no guy at all in my life now... have had a few crushes at work but no one has been interested yet...lol.. guess I have too much baggage.
Well, anyway happy Valentines Day to all

100 things about me
Topic: 100 things about me
100- I'm Fat, I've been fat my whole life excluding ages 18 to 21 & it's only a big deal when it keeps me from doing something I want to do.

99- I have red hair & all 3 of my kids do too... I love my hair un like most people.

98- I grew up in a big old house, with lots of land around me which I was able to explore.. thats what I miss most is being able to go for walks in the woods when ever I feel like it

97- I've got 3 kids 1 from 1 guy & the other 2 from annother- that said I am NOT a slut - I've slept with less than 15 men in my whole life: see item 100


96- I work technical support for a dbs provider & my job is very challenging & often quite stressful. but almost without even trying I have come to find myself at the top of the heap.. I know my stuff & happen to be sharp enough to be able to spew it out quick & consice when someone asks.

95- as a child I was afraid of almost everything, dark, big trees, garbage trucks, now I'm only afraid of one of my kids dying..

94- When my oldest was born the doctor put her on my stomach & she looked at me & cooed ''hi''

93- She dosen't belive this story

92- oldest child is at that age where she thinks she sprung from the ground fully formed & has graced my prescence ever since then- I had nothing to do with her being here as far as she's concerned

91- next child is 9 & very loving & sweet when she wants to be, being the middle child though she has a lot of hurt feelings & poor me attitudes, she also gets these looks like her father that send chills down my spine

90- Youngest & my only boy is 6 he's sweet, loud & fast- loves to run but would rather watch tv unfortunately.