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Saturday, September 2, 2006
What's wrong with me?
Now Playing: New World Man by Rush
Topic: Rambling on

Why haven't I been writing?

I've been busy, not too busy, just mentally busy with school having started, work getting crazy, sick kids, plumbing problems, car running strange problems & I just haven't had anything positive to say.

I've been here, I've been putting together my vacation posts from my private blog to post them here, they won't be here on the main page but under the link for Vacation 2006. But that's not the same as writing & thinking outloud which is often what I find myself doing here.

in other news...

A coworker told me about a place which is hiring & taking a lot of people from where I work because they're starting people with call center experience at $15 an hour, that's a substatial amout more than what I'm making now. Of course, it means giving up the 5 years senority I've accrued at my current job & stepping out into the unknown, it also means more of the same in the call center environment, though I know it won't be exactly the same as what I do now, it still means talking on the phone to people who'd probably rather not be talking to me, (it's inbound sales & I do inbound tech support now, yes, they call me but only because they have to!) It's the unknown part that bothers me the most I think, the idea that I have a mortgage & a car payment & 3 kids & a cat to feed & how can I even think about taking risks with all of that riding on only me? But of course, I take a risk every time I get in the car that someone won't come around the corner & Cream me pulling out of my very driveway! I take a risk going outside cause one of the ridiculously tall trees in my yard could just fall over & squash me, or really, even in my bed, I'm in line with 2 or 3 trees which could squash me just sleeping in my bed if you really want to get right down to it so really I can't get too upset about taking risks. Or at least I can usualy talk myself down out of that one. 

Then there's this funk I've been in where I'm thinking about the past, like distant past, when I first came here to VA in 1987 & when I met 16's dad & all the time I was with him- not very long in the grand scheme of things, only 16 months, but man a LOT of living & life lessons were cram packed into that 16 months, I NEVER want annother 16 months like those particular ones. ever. again. So I've been writing about that, not in great detail yet but in enough that if I ever post it I'll have to go back & change all the names! 

I think I'm lucky to have diaries covering all those years (really, from age 11 until when I started this blog, now I never seem to write in my diary in longhand, too bad in someways, ok in others)  If I'm looking for something to write about I can always pluck one off the shelf & start reading & then make it into a story, though they rarely have any moral or reason for being, sometimes they're funny or weird coincedences will occour. Once, when my Ex & I had been married about 3 months I happened to open a diary & re-read some pretty awful things my Uncle & his Wife had said & done to & about me right after my Father died & I got a little irritated with them all over again (this was maybe 2 years after the incident occoured) My ex got really upset with me & said that this was why he didn't think people should keep diaries because it could dig up all kinds of terrible stuff that you would be happier forgetting about. I tried to make him see that I prefered to remember this sort of thing to keep me mindful to not let this particular Uncle & Aunt see everything I felt & thought & to not turn my back on them because they were more than capable of sticking a knife in it! We argued on this issue for maybe 2 hours! Funny, now, I'm sure he'd look better in retrospect if I didn't have 8 years of diaries reminding me of how unhappy I was with him- even if I never did write down how so much of what I was worried about & hoped wasn't true. Was true!

Miss 16 is sick, I left work early to take her out of school & then didn't go today to take her to the doctors, strep throat- More antibiotics.  

At least it seems 10, 7 & I have already had the particular strain she has since no one has gotten sick but her- I think we're all already imune to it. Or maybe it's hair dye poisoning! I'm sorry, I'm all for self expression but when you've got beautiful unique, red hair already why, why WHY would you want to paint it black? She looks like a redheaded zebra! & she's really thinking I'm trying to be funny when I say that! I am NOT.

10 is getting awfully fussy lately, she insists she doesn't need any more sleep than she's getting which I have my doubts about, but man, is she weepy & whiny. Of course, she is 10, I had my period at 11 so it's possible she's just going to be one of those early ones, her aunts on the ex's side were too if I remember, so that could be the problem. I need to buy stock in tampax once she's started, I'll have to go to BJ's to purchase our needs!

7 & I are wrangling with his room, he keeps trashing it & getting very angry with me for having the audacity to insist he clean up his messes before I give the tv remote back to him. I have to walk in there to get clothes out of the closet on work days & it is upsetting to: a) step on stuff I bought him for his birthday in July already in pieces on the floor, yes, they're magnetix, they were already in pieces, but those pieces HURT! b) see books which I grew up with & loved/love jammed between the bed & the wall, often with pages bent & torn- though I am glad he likes to read, so few boys seem to these days, it's all x box. Among other things, a catepillar he had in a box in his room (poked holes in the top of my LAST tupperware container!) ready to take to school the next day crawled out, affixed itself to the top of his door's carvings & became a chrysalis - which I assure you we are watching with rapt attention! 

I'm hoping to become more involved in this tommorow, I just don't have much of any drive right now, there's nothing going on just this minute that feels in need of being written about!

Posted by Becky at 12:53 AM EDT

Sunday, September 3, 2006 - 10:02 PM EDT

Name: "Carmi"
Home Page: http://writteninc.blogspot.com/

Hi Becky. Dropping in from Michele's tonight. I like how you write from the heart. It's real and relatable.  Your words reflect the same kinds of hopes, dreams and even fears that we all have.

Re. work: I hope you don't hold onto the concept of seniority with any great strength. Truth of the matter is, it matters little how many years you've been working at any given place. Seniority is a concept deeply valued by unions and other kinds of work environments where personal initiative and drive don't mean much.

Sometimes, you just have to sieze the day and make that leap - after thoroughly researching it first, of course. Otherwise, you'll get to the end of your life and wonder what could have been.

I, too, have a mortgage. I've got a wife and three kids to keep fed , clothed and sheltered, a car to keep on the road and a bunch of other balls in the air. I made the leap from a cushy but unfulfilling job three years ago. It was scary, but I researched the move for six months before pulling the trigger.

It was the best move I could have made. I likely would have shrivelled up had I stayed where I was. Life is too short.

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