CRASH!!!! bang, smash, tinkle tinkle tinkle, (computer & Internet both falling apart)
Now Playing: Roll With the Changes by REO Speedwagon.

<<<< THIS is why I'm upset
Ok, Damnit, I know when I'm not wanted.
first I come home & after a nice hour or so playing Clue with the kids (even miss 16 unbent long enough for 2 games)I went to use the computer for a little while & found that all my bookmarks & my skin on mozilla is completely gone, all of it, after an hour of going from place to place collecting urls (I need to email this list to myself) I'm finaly ready to sit down & do something other than click & Bookmark. & my internet connection goes down, yes this is being written in notebook & I am not a happy camper, I know it's probably my own damn fault, I'm the one who keeps loading songs on my hard drive. (& I can't figure out how to take them off again when one duplicates - don't know why it's doing that either!)
It's raining & it's raining hard I admit. I use satellite internet & I've never had a problem before tonight (though I've had a complaint from 16 a couple of times during heavy thunderstorms before) After all, I spend my time at work telling people to be patient, wait for the weather to pass & try their tv later (stupid people, I think while at work, don't they know there's a whole world out there besides the tv, why don't they just do something else?) yes, yes, this is karmic, I know it, Well damnit, I want my internet!!
Country living is such a lovely thing until something goes wrong, I'm really not that upset, I would have been if I hadn't just about finished putting back everything which was lost in the computer crash when the internet went out, (funny how anytime I lose stuff it's always only part of it, sometimes the screen saver & the images, sometimes just the skin, sometimes all my saved music downloaded from other places.)
AAHH, much better, after about an hour & a half of torrential downpours I have my internet back...
Busy Saturday coming up tommorow. Payday week & the cupboard is bare, so we'll be busy all day running around getting things we're out of, I'll be bitching about the cost undoubtedly & sweating how much I spend in light of the vacation we're embarking upon 2 weeks from Monday. (is it really that soon?) the kid's will (as always) be having a heavy case of the "I want's" & since one just had a birthday & annother's is on 7/14, I'll be "so Mean" & saying no all the way through every store. I can already see this will be one of those Saturdays that will make me glad to go back to work on Sunday!
I actualy am beginning to prefer the non-pay weeks which allow us to do something other than grocery shop etc. Not enough, mind you, to go do the shopping on my own on the way home from work at night, anyway, miss 16 is so much of a control freak she'd probably lose her mind if she couldn't tell me what to buy for her to snack on! Then there's the part where she seems to think I Need her guidance in the shopping, I often question her as to just how she thinks I functioned for the 30+ years before she became a teenager & 'taught me everything I know' I also ask how she thinks I managed to keep her alive all those years between birth & 12 or so. This does not do me any favors in the speaking to each other categorys but it does often, buy me a few hours peace with the littler ones! Happy Weekend!

46 Questions you wouldn't think to ask.... But Ann would though.
Topic: Stuff & Nonsense
1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Only at Rock Concerts they do a pat down most times

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters ?
Nope

3. When was the last time you've been sledding?
A few years ago. we get so little snow & it never lasts long, probably winter of 97.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Alone has it's benefits, like the middle of the bed. It took me almost 2 years to get used to it though.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Yes

8. Carmen Electra or Jenna Jameson?
? Carmen Electra can at least talk so that's something right?

9. Do you totally dislike someone right now?
Hmm, do I have to actually know them to dislike them? I can think of a few people who I have talked with on the phone at work who were really uneccesarily rude & unpleasant that I dislike.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes- played with my father & brother for years.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Yes, many times, this past weekend felt like 48 hours straight, I slept about an hour on friday night 3 hours saturday night & 3 hours in the car on the way home. All of that 'sleep' was a light doze at best.

12. Have you ever cheated on a test?
Nope

13. Who was your first crush?
Jonathan Hall from sunday school

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around would you run a red light?
Yep- been there done that.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Yes, a few.
16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
well I hate baseball so my answer has no real meaning, I was brought up by my mother & grandmother to like the yankess, but my father was a redsox fan & I find myself rooting for them in his memory if you can call it rooting when I happen to be in the breakroom at work & see the scores on tv as I'm sitting there & I am pleased it the sox are doing well- that's as far as it ever goes for me I'm afraid.

17. Have you ever been ice skating?
Oh yes, too many times to count

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
I only dream vividly for about a week each month, right around the new moon for some reason & that's about the only time I remember the dreams.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
I laugh like that with the kids all the time.

20. Can you name 4 songs by The Beatles?
Eleanor Rigby
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
Dear Prudence
Here Comes the Sun

21. What's the one thing on your mind?
my shoulder hurts & I want it to stop permanently.

22. Do you believe in love at first sight?
yeah, it's happened to me.

23. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?
not a clue.

24. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Only in the daylight when the cops can see me, (they're trying to make it legal for them to stop you in Virginia just for not having the seatbelt on)

25. What talent do you wish you had?
I bet my kids would prefer that I could sing. for my own personal preference some convenient esp would do nicely.

26. Do you like Sushi?
Nope.
27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
I rolled a mercedes at 19, if it had been any other car I would've been dead.
28. What do you wear to sleep?
Nightgowns, My ex insisted I start when my son was born becuase he thought it would be bad for the boy to chance seeing his mother naked & I got in the habit & haven't stopped.

29. Left?
I've been left, I'm on the political left. I'm not a lefty though with my right shoulder in pain I'm using my left hand a lot right now.

30. Does size matter?
My feet are at the outer limit of womens shoe sizes, in that case size matters incredibly. My dress size matters it's too large.

32. Rock or Rap?
Rock

34. Do you know anyone in jail?
Not currently but I did a few weekends ago!

35. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?
Probably as a teenager, I'm more of a steering wheel singer though.

36. What food do you find disgusting?
Peanut Butter.

37. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Not friends, aquaintances & co-workers though, watch out!

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Not really, I don't much stand up at all, I'm pretty shy.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yep.

41. Who was the last person you slow danced with?
Well, I got married in 1993, my kids tell me on the video tape of the reception has us dancing, I guess that would be the last time.

42. Do you own any stuffed animals?
A snoopy which was 10's when she was a baby & a worn out stuffed dog which I had when I was a baby.

43. When was the last time you tripped?
Just the other day going into work (I'm assuming we're using the proper usage of the word, the improper would take me back to 1987)

44. Do you have a major crush on anyone?
Nope, but I have a couple of smiling nods I enjoy every day I work.

46. Do you miss someone right now?
Miss all my friends & family in Mass, Miss in the glad he's not here way, the ex.

13 Places I'd Like to visit & why (NOT in any particular order)
Topic: Thursday Thirteen

1 United Kingdom (all of it, Scotland, Ireland & Wales too)
2 California (the Winchester Mystery house is much higher on my list than Hollywood)
3 Arizona (My friend Jennie lives there & I'd love to have her show me around)
4 Mexico (sounds like fun & it's cheap right?)
5 Aruba (never been to any of the islands)
6 New York City (with money to do it right)
7 Marthas Vineyard (I'm from Mass but it's too pricey for me)
8 Oregon, (I wanna look for bigfoot!)

9 Alaska (I'm beginning to think that's where I should retire in order to maintain the space I like between myself & others- that's 1 reason I moved here but it's getting more crowded all the time)
10 Hawai (well, of course!)
11 France (I've read too much to not at least go see it!)
12 On top of Buffalo Mountain, I've been here for nearly 10 years straight & annother 4 years off & on & have yet to go to the top - or anywhere near it for that matter!)
13 New England (Not just our half assed, broke way we do every year, but a no holds barred, wherever we want to go, do anything we want sort of trip! Like in winter with a week skiing at Waterville Valley NH or Bedford VT!)

Annother Crazy week,
Now Playing: Too Much Time on My Hands by Styx (exact opposite of my life)

It has been Crazy since I had time to sit down & write, I have been healing my lungs from their cough by not talking & drinking a ton of water (carrying 3 1 liter bottles to work every day all last week) It's. helping a bit, my garden is getting greener, unfortunatley that is because the weeds are encroaching! The tomatoes looked tall though, (I haven't had the time to actually go & look at them up close just out my back door's window so far) Friday I did my day at work & then took off with Chrissea on a whirlwind trip to Massachusetts & back, read about it on her blog here. Got back Sunday night barely with time to take a shower & get some sleep before back to work on Monday (called in sick Sunday from Mass) During all this my right shoulder is messed up, I slept on it wrong Thursday night, then sleeping for an hour or 2 in the car Friday night didn't help, Saturday it was stiff & sore but not too bad, then we moved Chris's stuff out of her apartment & it really took off. I couldn't move my arm above shoulder level with out serious pain. It did not get better between Sunday morning & coming home, typing at work was an ordeal & then today I had promised to take the kids swimming at a local campground which has a pool with a reasonable charge for non campers to use it. we had a great time, then went out for pizza & finaly to a drug store where I got some Icy Hot type stuff & a couple of hot compress things to try to relieve my shoulder, a co worker who used to be a cna said I may have torn my rotor cuff but the fact that it gets better with Icy hot & was also pretty loose in the pool water makes me think it's muscles not the joint.
As long as it's gone by july when we go on vacation I don't really mind, Of course the other thought, as I wince while raising my right arm to the keyboard to type I hope its not carpal tunnal syndrome! of course it's the shoulder & carpal tunnal is usualy in the hands & wrists, I had a boss once who had been a fry cook most of his life & had to retire due to this & for the last 6 months I worked with him I watched him just stand around & look at his hands & flex them as if he couldn't belive they'd betray him so. Also my jobs as a clothing inspector & now typing 40+ hours a week aren't good for that sort of thing. The Swimming went well, the kids had a blast & all jumped in the pools before I could get sunblock on them, I hauled them back out after a half an hour or so & put the sunblock on but I can see now that the damage was already done! everyone's bright red (except me- I have the sense to apply early & often!) It's not my fault no one listens to me & they end up bright red like lobsters, I've been there so many times myself. It was like a ritual to run away from my mother when it came time for the sunblock applying.

Back in the 70's we had only the one 'block out' sunblock. I actually liked the smell at least, I just didn't want to stand still that long! Now I have moles that I have to check at least every 6 months to make sure they haven't changed color or gotten larger! & my kids are just like I was, maybe a little worse? What with their fathers hyper-activity & all. They see the pool & they're off, 'what sun? we don't need sunblock, see, it's cloudy right now' (for about 3 minutes as a fluffy cloud passes over!)
All in all it has been a busy week & I'm glad I don't have to go any further than town tommorow. I just want to rest & weed the garden in preparation for the vacation coming up in July, 3 weeks from yesterday is the date we leave!

Thirteen Things about my 10 year old in honor of her birthday on June 11.
Topic: Thursday Thirteen

1 She could not sit still to be read to or even watch a tv show untill she
was about 6 or 7.
2 She does not see well due to a lazy eye & She does not like her glasses
3 When she was born The Stanley cup final playoff game was on (this was
1996 & it went into multiple sudden death overtimes) my ex watched this
while I walked around. when I said it was time to go to the hospital he
kept saying, 'ok, just wait annother minute, it's gotta end soon' finally
I said no, we have got to go NOW. she was born 10 minutes after we arrived
at the hospital & my ex saw the end of that game 5 years later on espn
classic.
4 If she could have seen better she would have beaten her brother's 8
months walking record. As it was she still walked at 10 months,
5 She is stubborn as the day is long
6 She suffers from middle child syndrome & will tell you so in so many words
7 She is going to be the one who gives me a run for the money during the
teenage years. as if she wasn't already a challenge
8 She is sweet as pie when all is going her way but don't do what she
wants or worse yet cross her & watch out!
9 She's going to be a beauty
10 She has 4 scars on her face, 2 seperate ones from the same dog (my ex
wasn't home the first time the dog knocked her down & scratched her & he
insisted the dog couldn't have done it- the next time she had to have 9
stitches in her temple & 1 in the corner of her lip. Dog did not stay
annother day in our house thank god.) she also has a lovely scar on her
lip from her sister throwing a vaseline jar at her (don't ask)
11 She always wants to be right in the middle of things, dosen't matter
what things they are, I can be online reading & she begs to sleep on the couch as if she was worried she might miss something.
12 She always want's to be helpful when I'm doing things she always comes
right over & pitches in. After a few minute if it's not her cup of tea
she'll just say flat out: I'm done with this, see ya.
13 She likes to read a lot so far.

Home again
Now Playing: Can't find My way Home by Blind Faith
Topic: Rambling on

{{{{The Birthday girl
It's always fun to roll up on my house when the kids don't expect me home. on a normal day they have a good idea of when I'll show up & they always strive (or miss 16 & miss 10 do anyway) to make it look as if they've been cleaning up all day. But I know better & days like this when I come home sick (or like last year when they were sending us home an hour or 2 early every few days) are always amusing. They come to the door & windows & stare at me like I'm some interloper & then go running around like crazy trying to pick up everything - today they sent their brother out to the car to stall me. this didn't work because it was 4:15 pm & he was schlepping around in his sisters outgrown long sleeved shirt & a pair of pajama pants with a big hole in a very inconvenient spot! we had a 3 minute discussion about exactly why he was wearing what he was wearing (I have never known anyone with more shrugs to his name, he has a shrug for every occasion & they all say something different to me!- this one said 'It seemed like a good idea at the time' as near as I could make out)
& off to the house we went, people were running around frantically behind the door, throwing dirty laundry here there & everywhere, dishes were being rushed from the coffee table in the living room & the dining room table to the sink, alas there they still sit, once busted, 16 seems to think she's done & is absolved of all responsibillity for everything which did not get done. At dinner time miss 10 came to me to ask what was for dinner & I told her to go check with the person in charge. (I was lying down, trying to rest my voice & throat at the time- fat chance in this house!) Miss 16 was very offended at this comment, I got the standard "Mom, you're here, I'm not in charge" screech when her sister told her dinner was on her tonight. "just pretend I'm not here" I told her which she responded to by growling in that charming way 16 year olds can.
Dinner got made though, I'm bowing out of it because somehow either the juciyness in my lungs is working it's way down or I've caught some other sort of nasty bug & my stomach is terribly unsettled this evening.
There are nice things about being home though, the not working part is nice right now especially since work is an exersize in frustration (we released info on our website which is misleading & I spent the majority of the 5 & 1/2 hours I did work verbally sparring with people who think because they watch tv shows with lawyers on them that they're every bit as good as those tv lawyers) We'll see how the missing work feels when the paycheck comes in though, that's not always so great. Also it's nice to relax with the kids (not 16, she's got friends over, school ended 6/1 & she's making the most of it- 'I'll never be 16 again, you know mom!' yes, we can hope not anyway) Especially since today is the day miss 10 became miss 10 rather than miss 9. Party to follow on my next real day off- Tuesday. It's all about her today, she got to sit on the couch, pet the dog first & tell me all about the cartoons they watched this morning.
In other news we replaced 16's cell phone again, you'd think we'd learn, buy from ebay once & have a bad experience, don't do it again. But no, she was shopping & found 'the phone' (cue: choir of angels)so I put it on the beleagured credit card & 7 days later (2-3 day shipping my eye) it appeared, then the nice people on the phone from the cell phone company said that it wasn't theirs. So I had to take it to their office & they were able to activate it but now it says it's roaming every time she tries to use it to call out. very interesting, if it's not the correct companys phone that roaming thing is exactly the sort of thing the phone would do. I do not have the patientice to talk to their technical support people tonight though, after all, that's what I left work to escape, stupid people trying to troubleshoot themselves & messing things up worse than they were before they started! At least I know enough to admit that I know nothing when it comes to cell phones & leave it alone since I'm not feeling up to it right now!

Do you have to count it at all?
Now Playing: Tesla Song & Emotion

I was looking at other peoples blogs tonight, as good a reason as any to not be folding clothes, weeding the garden or even blogging. & I noticed a few people celebrating their 100th entry or their 200th etc. for a few minutes I wondered how anal they could be, if they'd sat there & counted how many they'd done or what, then when I actually came around to put an entry on here I found the blog tool does it for you, this is my 61st entry. I think, I deal with too many numbers in a day to hold one in my head for more than a few minutes unless I'm making a special effort to hold it- yet I still remember all the phone #s I've had & most of my childhood friends phone #s from when we were kids- not since, they've all had too many different #s for me to be able to keep track {Hi Chrissie!} scary though, these numbers just pop out at random but I can't remember how many calls I took at work & if I logged them all or not (well, I do know today, because my boss wasn't there to tell me so I could check how many he said I took versus how many I logged so I could fill in the log with random calls to look like I filled it out correctly for every call I took- I took 50 calls, not good, I averaged 65 before our computer program change)I prefer not to count anything, change, how many sodas I drank today, how many times I logged out at work to go to the bathroom because of all those sodas, how many times I've seen the dog chase the cat past my desk here or how many times one child or another has run past naked...hey, how did he come thru twice from the same direction? {yo! we don't go outside naked! You're 6 years old for heavens sake! I thought you knew this...} (& I wonder where those gray hairs are coming from!- yes annother thing I'd prefer not to count)
I like to count hours I don't have to be at work, paid days off & stupid coca cola rewards points from all those soda caps I'm saving off the sodas I'm drinking! Counting the days til my vacation is getting pretty exciting since in 10 more minutes it'll be 30 days. 16 had a counter on her my space site to count down the days until her boyfriend came for a visit maybe I need one of those? Nah, the kids'll keep me posted, they're already drawing big red X's over the days as we get through each one.
I was brought up anti grading, IQ testing etc. so of course as a teenager & young adult that interested me the most- I wanted to be tested, anyalized & pigenholed to the best of anyone's abillity. Even so, I still have never taken a 'real' IQ test, just the ones online. I find it hard to associate my children's grades with how they're actually doing, the younger ones are graded with #s, 1 being poor, 4 being excellent, miss 9 is going to be going into 4th grade this next year & they switch to a,b,c etc. grades that year, for which I will be profoundly grateful, I just can't get the # system, it all seems poor to me, I don't see what the difference between a 2 & a 3 is (there's this nagging evil 'dad' at the back of my head that says if it wasn't a 4 it just wasn't good enough too which I would love to silence) the numbers are just too random for me. they all passed their grades, 9 did ok, 6 did great. 16 did pretty well, she lets personality clashes with teachers affect her grades too much(I think) You might think this is some sort of dyscalculia, but it isn't I'm not afraid of or confused by numbers, I just would prefer not to think about them in regards to 'how I'm doing' My grandmother hates numbers so much that she can't stand to look at calendars & when we lived together would tell me when she wrote something on the calendar to verbally remind her a day or two before something came up because she just wouldn't be able to look at the calendar. She prefers not to know what time it is & constantly is late sending birthday & christmas cards, the time just gets away from her, understandable pushing 90 but 10-15 years ago a little worrysome, or at least so some of my family thought, I just thought of it as one of her odd things. Now I belive she has dyscalculia but she'd laugh if I brought it up to her.
Still, it all counts, how you do in school, how you do at work, it counts for you, it counts against you. All this petty little stuff like did you say 'thank you for calling' or 'thank you for choosing' or did you write the check before or after the money posted in the checking account. (when we all know it only matters if the check arrived at the bank before or after the money posted into the checking account!) The really important stuff like how many times you hugged your kid or how many stories you read to them when they were sick instead of sticking them in front of the tv or how many shooting stars you saw while lying outside on a summer night don't count like they should.

Days off are more work than days at work
Now Playing: Finger Eleven One Thing

Just got back from a hike in Patrick County, ( more pictures are here I managed half the hike & let 16, her Boyfriend & Chris-sea's daughter finish it. miss 9 & mr 6 & I stayed in the primitive campsites & went wading in the river & met butterflies. They were mad at first that I wouldn't let them go on ahead on the hike but we had enough fun that they got over it pretty quickly. I am still sick- stuffed up & have a sore throat but my voice is nearly back to normal which is a good thing. I had to take both last Friday & Sunday off. (I already had Saturday off) I get in the same amount of trouble for taking 2 days off in the same block of time as if I took 1 so since Saturday began a different week & I couldn't talk any better Sunday morning than I could Friday morning I decided it was better to just rest my voice.
We've been to the river to swim (I stayed out of the water, my voice got noticeably worse after the last time we swam)To dinner at Kabukis & to town with 16's boyfriend who came in from Kentucky for a week's visit, today we not only went on the hike, we drove on the Parkway & enjoyed the views & also a bunch of old car enthusiasts from North Carolina were driving all over the parkway with their beautiful old cars. Driving my PT Cruiser around these 70's, 60's & 50's beauties made me feel like an impostor- 16 accused me of being more into the cars than the views, I have, of course, seen the views a thousand times & it's not every day you see a baby blue mint condition Corvair! my only complaint is that there were not enough Mustangs for my taste. All in all though, it was a lot of fun, the kids accuse me of never wanting to do anything like just drive around on the parkway anymore. The reason I used to do that sort of thing more before was the horror of our old trailer, if it got too much to bear or too hot, smelly or upsetting to look at we'd all pile in the car & drive around. Nowadays I'd rather be at home because I like home (except that it's a mess right now- with 7 people here that's no surprise!)I'd rather be at home than almost anywhere else & especially in my garden which is in need of some serious attention, all this showing around & sight seeing has kept me from it for a week now & tommorow I have to go back to work, (for 2 whole days - oh wah!! what a big baby I am, I've worked 5 in a row between days off previously & I know how good I've got it- really I do! Of course no matter how good it is it could always be better & I've got to go mess around in the garden before we go swiming or something else.

I'm a million different people from one day to the next...
Now Playing: Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve
Topic: Rambling on


It's not funny how conflicted I can be with just general life...
On the one hand I hate learning this new computer system at work, it's cumbersome & agravating, because we're alpha testers theres glitches, bugs & stuff you just can't do.
On the other hand I'm flattered that they think so highly of us in my group that they put us on this - after all everyone will have to use it eventually, I'm just one of about 50 that are learning it early & making suggestions to the improvement of it.
I'm conflicted over what I'm going to do on my next two days off, I need to go get flats to get my vegetable garden under way. this is also my last two days off without the kids & I'd like to enjoy the peace & quiet while I have it. I'm conflicted over that too though, I feel guilty for savoring the peace so much I do love having the kids around - it's just a different feeling around the house & I can't spend as much time here in front of the computer!
It will be nice though, to be able to pick up & go out when I want to, just get the kids in the car & go, we'll be spending a bunch of time up on the parkway, hiking & picnicing. I hope to spend a lot of time around the house, in the garden, painting the rooms, rearranging & generaly getting more settled in the house (It was a year may 26 & it STILL doesn't seem real...I have to keep reminding myself on my way home from work where I'm going)
I'm conflicted about my weight & health problems, I'm craving chocolate almost constantly & I'm not supposed to be eating sugar, I do pretty well on work days about not eating it but when I'm home I have a lot of trouble restraining myself. Add to that the fact that because of my mother's & grandmothers history of high blood pressure, heart disease etc. I shouldn't be eating salt & fat either. That leaves very little, vegetables & fruits, lean meat like chicken & fish. That's about it & all that stuff unless you're talking about canned or frozen is expensive & I can't afford to feed everyone that stuff so I don't eat, just get frozen dinners for work & cheat my way through my days off.
I'm conflicted about the kids, I want them to be free & have their own opinions & be self sufficient but I can't not yell when their independent decisions don't include cleaning their rooms or bringing dirty laundry downstairs (& then being mad at me that they don't have any clean shorts on a hot day! I'd wash them if they were down here!) or the decision to watch tv all day is made & I refuse to allow it & make them go outside. (I'm sorry but I was constantly sent outside when I was a kid & I think having the option to explore the yard & later the woods behind my house made me a better, more attuned with nature person)
I am also conflicted about the money thing, I like making decent money & I'm thrilled that I've got a house to show for it & a decent car. But I dislike the work I do, I find it harder & harder to support the company line & I hate the verbal abuse heaped upon me by customers who feel like they've been done wrong. But then I credit my job -which wouldn't pay as much as it does if it wasn't as big a pain in the butt as it is- with all my success, I would not be where I am now with what I have now if I was still working 35 hours a week at the nursing home for $5.40 an hour (I'd probably be thinner though!)

Annother day in ConsumerLand
Now Playing: Hate Me By Blue October
Topic: Rambling on

I have never been able to just get what I needed. All my life from childhood on has been a struggle, it cost for shoes, it cost for coats, my parents would worry about how clothes, shoes etc would get paid for, often my grandmother bailed them out (she's done the same for me more often than I like to think of) Or, worse, we got hand me downs from people at my parents jobs, church etc. I hated that at the time but some of my favorite clothes at 8,9,10, were hand me downs, I just had to have them long enough to feel like they were mine instead of someone else's discards.
All the time my ex & I were together there was never enough money. It was a constant battle to keep everyone fed, clothed & a roof over our heads, he didn't work a lot of the time- he'd get a job, keep it for 6-10 weeks & quit or get fired for not showing up. I didn't work a lot of that time then too... But I had little kids at home, it was cheaper for me to stay at home with them than pay a babysitter, he wouldn't watch them, if I worked the kids were babysat. That was all there was to that. the ex could not/would not watch the kids while I worked for more than 2 days in a row. I don't know why he couldn't take it but he couldn't & so we were almost never a 2 income family. This meant that we were constantly broke. It did not help matters that we brought out the worst in each other in terms of money & spending. One of us would say: 'Man, I wish we could just go out to dinner tonight' & the other would say: 'well, we do have that money for the electric bill...' & off we'd go, we supported in each other the worst, most spendthrift behavior you can imagine! In that way we're much better off seperate. He still doesn't do much better at making ends meet to this day
The best thing about my job is that it pays enough. Enough that we have what we need & a few luxuries to boot... I've had to watch what I spend though, & I do love to spend unfortunately. As I said, my Grandmother has bailed me out & helped with the extras like shoes when people outgrow them too soon & she always has helped me with school supplies each August. For the most part though I manage - I do get a little from the ex each month now that he's in the service (allegedly- still don't belive it) & that little helps, but I know better than to count on it, if & when he leaves the service I doubt I'll continue to recieve any money, he's not too good at keeping up with things like that & he's also known to resent paying it, he feels because I was at home with the kids when they were babies & under 4 while he was working. That I 'owe' him & he shouldn't have to pay support. So I know that there is likely going to be a time when that $225. doesn't come in anymore & I hope to have the money thing going even better than it is now by then. Either that or I'll have to do more overtime at work than they're already forcing on us, (up to 4 hours mandatory every week & they're so desperate that they're paying double time for overtime over the mandatory 4!- I haven't done any of that but I might this week- because of the holiday weekend we have less hours available to do the overtime on -Sunday & Monday are closed up for available hours to work- So I'll have to go in on one of my days off to make the time up & if I'm going to be there for 3 hours I might as well be there for 4! especially considering it's a 40 minute drive each way.)
The point here was that I've finaly applied for & recieved a credit card. (a real one, not the secured type for like 300 bucks.) I belive that's the difference between the poor & the not so poor, everyone nowadays lives paycheck to paycheck I belive, but credit cards just make it easier. When someone needs something you can get it. I've been in the situation where we've gone out, got groceries for 2 weeks, had a meal out, like Burger King or something & then got home & someone's broken their shoe or spilled something uncleanable on their coat. There's no extra money in the bank, just enough for gas for me to go to work & back every day for the 2 weeks until the next paycheck & to buy milk & bread. There's no help for it but for the kid to deal with it with the credit card I could go get the shoes, or worse yet, the car breaks down, in the past that's always meant tearful phone calls home & money wired to me from my mother or grandmother who can't afford it any more than I can but at least have credit cards so they can help. Now I won't have to ask them for help, I'll be able to put a repair on the credit card. I'm still mulling over the whole pay all your bills with the credit card though, the commercials make it seem so easy, pay all your bills through auto pay with the credit card & then just pay the credit card bill each month - That way you don't have to think about it. But of course there's interest, you're paying more to pay your bills because of the interest rate on the credit card (a pretty good one on this card I have to say, at least 'til the end of the year)Someone pointed out though, that if you're paying the money you'd have paid the bills with, to the credit card company then you're paying over the minimum balance & thus would not be getting too bad of an interest rate or getting too behind on your debt. Of course if you're paying over the minimum payment routinely they're likely to increase your limit too!
Then of course I hear my father's voice on credit cards, how they're a slipery slope & you'll end up in debt to your eyeballs & be unable to pay it off. I also have had friends who did get into trouble, both my closest cousin & a former friend ended up in enough trouble with credit card debt that they had to have their money doled out to them & the payments for the cards automatically taken from their paychecks. There's never a decision in adulthood that's all good.. there's always too many pros & cons to everything!

Thirteen things I got done during my days off
Topic: Thursday Thirteen

1 I wrote in my blog a couple of times.
2 I did about 4 loads of laundry. (I did not, however, fold them)
3 I got 4 rows of sets & seeds planted in my garden.
4 I slept in & got some rest.
5 I changed my filter for my well water. (it really needed it)
6 I made bread, brownies & chocolate chip brownies.
7 I made a pretty good (if I do say so myself) chicken divan.
8 I got the house smelling a little better by airing it out (4 kids, multiple friends in & out, 2 adults, 1 dog, 2 cats & 1 kid is a bedwetter. you take a whiff!)
9 I cleaned the house up a little, you can't tell, see above about the way the house smells & you'll know why it looks as bad as it did when I started.
10 I built a media rack for my videos, dvds & cds.
11 I went on not 1 but 2 drives in the country just sight seeing & talking both with kids & without
12 I had a meaningful discussion with miss 16 (ok, that was Monday night, but I was through with work so it still counts.
13 I got my shower done, this thursday thirteen written & still have time tonight to watch the news & maybe even watch something else!

Books on Tape
Now Playing: Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve
Topic: Rambling on

Listening to a book on tape makes me a lot more thoughtful, I truly belive listening to the story rather than reading it stilmulates different sections of your brain. I don't like it BETTER than reading but I do like it a lot. I never thought I would, but a year into working where I work now, with a 50 minute drive each way I had to do something to alleviate the boredom, I don't always have a book on tape going, -only about 4-5 a year. I love music & listen to it most of the time,- just occasionaly I ge bored with music though,- just occasionaly- & books on tape are great. I'll read things on tape I'd never have read by sitting down & listening. The only Larry Mcmurtree book I've ever finished was via a book on tape. currently I'm reading Oryx & Crayke but Margaret Atwood. I'm not a huge Atwood fan, Lady Oracle & The Handmaids Tale are the only books by her I've read all the way through (I'm not one of those obsessive people who once they start a book have to finish it, when I feel like it's not working I give up) The book is a doomsday-future book Depressing but Compelling & I've taken to sitting in the car at work & at home to finish parts of the book before going into work or into the house at night. (The true sign of a good book on tape for me!) I have a love hate relationship with futuristic novels, I like/love them because I was raised with a 'day after/threads' mentality. The idea that society will collapse in my lifetime. The breakdown will not neccesarily be BECAUSE of a nuclear war, (Steven Kings Superflu scenario in the Stand or even his more recent Cell Idea are perfectly plausible to me too. Especially in light of the Bird flu possibilites currently confronting the world) I hate these books for the same reason, because I am a mother & I don't want my kids to inherit a world like the ones portrayed in these stories.
The book is all about genetic & biologic splicing, a future where they splice pigs & baboons to make artificial organs for people, it's a vision of a distant gloomy future, even the childhood memories of the main character recall a world we don't quite live in currently. Though it did give me a chill watching the news the other night where they were talking about alligators in Florida biting people (Killed 3 this last week) the chilling part for me was the mentioned the reason for the alligator activity is that the Everglades are in a drought & they're looking for water, the Everglades being in a drought was in the book though they eventually burned in the book... I'm halfway through currently & don't want it to end. I have way too many unanswered questions still & I don't think 3 cds are going to cover it!
The force of the story seems to be altered hearing someone else tell the story, I think they affect you differently, I can say this with some authority because I have listened to books by authors I have read (Margaret Atwood, Steven King) & the books on tape/cd seem to stay with me longer. They are more likely to haunt my imagination & take me out of myself. I think though, that if I worked 15 minutes from home I would never have listened to them, it takes some distance driving to really appreciate them. Going up to Mass for vacations 2 out of 5 years I have had a book on tape to listen to. The first was one of my favorite books as a young teenager, set in the 1500s & 16 (then 12) didn't like it but miss 9 (then 5) did, we started listening to it on the way up to Mass at 11 or so at night & when I realized 16 had fallen asleep I went to turn it off & this little voice piped up from the back seat 'hey, I was listening to that!' I had to convince her that we'd listen more when her sister was awake. then 2 years ago when we went up we all listened to The Hobbit, I did'nt know it when I rented it from the library but it was not a regular reading it was acted out with different people doing different voices, that actually worked out better because they all were able to listen to it, even mr 6 who was then 4 going on 5, he was the most impressed & recently asked me what we were going to listen to on the way to Mass this summer, I don't quite know though, the things that would thrill the girls are not likely to hold mr 6's attention & vice versa, I've been thinking about trying the Lord of the Rings- we could do 1 book a year- but I'm afraid we couldn't finish it in the trip. We had to listen to the last tape of the Hobbit at home due to length. We shall see though, I still have nearly 7 weeks to decide after all!

Workin' for the Weekend (already)
Now Playing: Badlands By Bruce Springsteen

The work week is beginning tomorow/today- it's after midnight yet again, as my too optimistic boss puts it, with our schedule it's always Monday or Friday and I like that but what does it say about the job (or my attitude about it) that sometimes even 2 days in a row in that building doing what I do seems like too much. It could be worse, I could work Saturdays, every techno geek workaholic gadget junkie seems to reserve Saturdays to torment tech support people like me, they save it all up & call in Saturday morning with a list of complaints- usually on issues which are either so tiny (when I use fast forward at 60x the programing skips around & doesn't show in linear fashion x60 like it does at 15X) or which are already known issues that we'll fix with software (I don't mind telling people that, I do mind when they either start telling me how the engineers should fix it or ask to be transfered to an engineer to tell them their opinions on what would fix the problem)
I do appreciate my job, I like it a lot better now that I've been there so long that I don't have to deal with every little thing, almost completely just tech. A person I know now who used to work where I work asked me how long I'd been there & when I said nearly 5 years she asked why I wasn't a supervisor or a trainer. I missed a lot of oportunitys because of missing time due to weather & not even being elligible to apply, I've missed others because I liked the schedule I was on & getting a promotion would have meant starting out at the bottom of the pile & having to work 3-11 pm or worse yet: 5pm to 130 am. Now if they ever start a third shift there I'll be first at the door to become a supervisor - I think that would be the ideal schedule, though I'd be bummed out if I had to give up my 4-10 hour days.
Yeah, I am boring, my work diatribes are so boring it's even boring me. In other news Everyone under 18 in this house is gearing up for the end of school which will occour on the first of next month. I do not understand why they don't just end it the Friday before since they've already got that Monday off for memorial day anyway, why go to school for 2 & 1/2 more days? I don't make the rules, I know nothing about them, after all I'm just a 37 year old homeschooled nobody, far be it from me to question the reason the school wants to let them run around their tennis courts & playgrounds for an extra 2 days (they're already in play mode, the first half of this week was SOL tests in VA & since they finished those it's nothing but field days, game days & play days from now to the first of June!) I don't know why I'm complaining, after all those are 3 more days I don't have to worry about what they're eating for lunch at my house! Always a concern, I always think during the winter when I have the added expense of heat that in summer it'll be so much cheaper. Then it gets here & I realize I spend at least as much in food for the kids for summertime as I did for heat! (sometimes it seems like even more) I do like having them home though, I've always been the type of Mom who lets the kids stay home for the slightest little sniffle or cough when I'm home already, I can't miss work though, it's the type of job where if you miss more than just a few days you're in danger of losing your job! not convenient to a single mom of 3 but luckily my kids are pretty healthy.

Lost in the Garden
Now Playing: Champagne Supernova By Oasis
Topic: Rambling on
I am missing my camera phone SO much right now! It stopped responding when I plugged in the charger & had to be repaired, I Hate the temporary (if you can call 8-10 weeks projected a temporary thing!) replacement phone, there's no camera on it, the ring tones are atrocious & it's bigger than my phone, to add insult to injury the young punk who swaped the phones told me that he had removed my picture messaging service (why be charged when you can't use it?) & activated everything that my old phone had, on this phone. When I went to add a ring tone that I can stand to the phone I couldn't do it so I had to call their technical support (I work tech support & so I know what it's like to try to make a stubborn piece of plastic, metal & silicon chips work right with a bumbling idiot following your commands over the phone) so I am easy on tech support people, I'm also easy on anyone in a call center environment (that doesn't extend to actually listening to telemarketers- but I am polite as I tell them 'no thank you' & hang up the phone) The woman I got when I called about my phone was obviously fairly new at her job, she put me on hold about 10 times (I am not exagerating) but she got the phone working, I had to program it to accept that I had the service that allows you to get ringtones & games etc. & then, because I know how things go with this type of issue I had her check & sure enough the punk I dealt with in person did not take off my picture messaging- she removed it but did not apologize, at my work I have to apologize for the oversights of others every day!
The reason for the diatribe on the phone is that I would really like to have pictures of my progress in the garden, the guy who dug it up last Saturday came back on Thursday evening (Unexpectedly- I didn't expect him 'till this Saturday- good thing I didn't spend the money I owed him!) & finished the job of tilling it into smooth dirt. So yesterday evening we were a picture of domestic bliss, Chrissie riding the lawnmower around, me making raised beds in my garden, the kids moving logs & sticks out of Chrissies way & helping me pick rocks, sticks & weeds out of my raised beds, I'm not exactly as healthy as I should be & so I got 2 beds ready to go, probably, judging by the size of the garden, (the guy expanded it a little on 3 sides) annother 8-10 beds to rake up & clean out, I figure if I do a couple a day on my days off I should be ready to plant by the end of the month... (I would feel worse about this if it wasn't for the fact that the news said last night that we're going to be in the 30's overnight 2 or 3 more nights in the next seven days & I hate losing things to the cold, I'd rather leave it alone until it's warmer-) I looove having a vegetable garden! I can't think of anything more magical than having actual food that I grew & can just walk out my back door & go choose! Mr 6 is the most enthused about the whole thing (not too surprising, he's bottomless & especially loves tomatoes & cucumbers) but the girls have helped off & on & are expeceted to help some more this afternoon (if it ever gets warm out there- annother cool one, I understand the need for spring before summer but is it EVER going to get warm?) We'll be putting the half fence up this afternoon & I'll have to decide what I'm doing about the green bean climbing apparatus, I've heard that poles with strings stretched between them works better than just poles. That would require string, which I don't have at home & I'm broke for the moment so if I decied to do that it will have to wait until after my next payday!
I had had ideas of taking pictures of the progress of the garden & putting them on my picture site, so I'd have a record of it & could look back over time & see how much better it looks when the veggies are actually coming in...& of course I thought that might help to motivate me to weed it a little more this year, last year it was a mass of weeds & I think that's why my squashes, watermellons & pumpkins would get to be about 2 inches in circumfrence & then turn black! it was either that or the kids overzealously using the plant food on the garden I haven't figured out which it was.
Anything is better than the previous 6 years in the trailer with no space for a garden at all & I am really glad I have the option now. I hated not having one after 3 years with one in our rental places with the ex.
I set myself an hour online & the alarm I set just went off so I'm going to the garden now- gray clouds or no gray clouds. pic of the lawnmower since I have none of the garden currently!: