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BecksBlog
Thursday, March 2, 2006
Annother day in the life.
Now Playing: Does the NBC Nightly news count? I'm multi tasking here!
Topic: Rambling on
Becky --
[adjective]:
Like in nature to a train-riding hobo
'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

It Could always be worse...
It was not the worst day I've ever had, it wasn't among my best though. I didn't lose my temper at anyone on the phone & I only remember shaking my middle finger at the computer screen during 3 or 4 calls today! over the course of 55-60 calls in a day that's pretty good, for me. I only talked to one really dumb tech & only 2 or 3 really snotty yuppies. For the most part everyone else was pretty easy to deal with, I think I remembered to say the stupid thing we are required to say at the end of every call now about 1/2 the time ('Have I addressed all of your questions & concerns on this call') just does not roll off my tounge in a matter of fact fashion I'm afraid & now the ad-libbers at my work have forced the management to insist we say it verbatim (every time) But I know ways around it, first of all, for 5 months now, every time I get a quality assesment they listened in between 9 am & 11 am. So I try really hard for the first 2 hours on the phone to do everything right & remember the stupid statement. After that I try, because I know if I don't keep trying I'm never going to be able to incorporate it into my speech as a matter of course. (there are many things I can roll off my tounge without even thinking about it & be doing other stuff on the computer while I'm saying it- 'well, your tv had a snowy screen because the tv needs to be on 3 to get a picture but the tv was on 10, no, I don't know how it got there')I get paid tommmorow & the $$ I'm getting will just cover what it has to cover. (except sneakers for miss 9 who's growing too fast for me to keep up with!
Then it could have been better too
Miss 16's cell phone has yet to arrive, I'm officially pissed at ebay & especially pay pal.
The kids decided they didn't want anything I had in the fridge or freezer for dinner & so made pasta, no sauce, no meat, just pasta & wonder of wonders they decided when I walked in that they were hungry for something more. When asked about her siblings dinners miss 16 just said 'they wanted pasta, they got pasta' & went off to whisper things I don't want to hear into my phone- I need to remember to get that thing disinfected when I get it back on a permanent basis.
I was hoping mandatory overtime, every other saturday would end with last saturday, it does but it's a qualified ending. they're changing it to 1x a month, which is somewhat relived by the fact that they're going to let us choose any of our days off to come in & do 4 hours (they pick the week though, the third one of the month) or we can choose to work 2 hours over 2 nights of that week. It's like they were reading my mind in my diatribe last week. (that'll be me doing 2 hours 2 nights a week, less driving & I can do it on nights when I don't have to come back the next morning)the other bad part of this is this does not have an end date, last time they put us on the once a month cycle we (& I mean all 550 of us) were doing m/o for 19 months. I like to have an end date in sight but I have alot of trouble making myself do the OT I need to do to meet my bills... at least this way I can do it with company.
I didn't break this news to anyone in the house yet, the kids resent the OT highly, though if I do it at night after a regular day they're less likely to even realize I'm doing it- the only problem would be 16 will have to help with homework on that 1 monday night a month.
Worse things have happened (though I'm sure she won't see it that way!)
I also...
Did not hit any deer coming or going today
Did have some training tonight which means off the phone even if it was only 45 minutes
Got the kids homework done with them & them into bed before 10 (no mean feat that- they're insomniacs- or power sleepers- I don't know which but they don't seem to need much sleep at all)
Have not argued with or said anything to hurt miss 16's fragile feelings (yet)- oops- spoke too soon now we're arguing about who's going to change the wash over to the dryer- as I speak- she's got a homing device I tell you.. she can always tell when I think I'm doing ok & then she knocks me right back down!
The store I stop at in the mornings had my favorite morning caffeine boost in the sugar free variety- they've been out for a week- & I'm supposed to be totally restricting my sugar intake now which meant going with out caffeine- if I could just stand the taste of coffee- life would be much easier....
well that's all the good things I can think of right this moment unless I start on things like I haven't had an email from the ex in a few weeks, but I know If I celebrate that too much I'll get mail.
Try to focus on the good not the bad.

Posted by Becky at 10:33 PM EST
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Good Weather, Good kids
Now Playing: Save it for Later by the English Beat
Topic: Rambling on
For some reason people in Virginia don't see today as a great day, it's 55+ degrees out, sunny, not a cloud in the sky & supposed to stay that way (or warmer) for the next 3 days. & the people who come by my house in their cars (with the windows closed) slowed down to stare because I was sitting on my back step in the sun playing with the cat. On a warm lovely day in November I had a lady in a car roll down her window to take me to task for walking the 30 feet from my car to the door of Target with out my coat, as if I was not smart enough to know that tommorow may be cold again. so what? I belive in taking each day as it comes, it's nice today, I'm not going to wear a coat & sweat just because it may be cold tommorow. it's not cold right now & I'm going to make the most of it because it may very well be cold tommorow & then I'll have to wear the coat... Maybe I'm supposed to be distrustful of the beautiful weather because it's the last day of February? so it's not truly spring yet...so what? it feels like it & I'm ready for it (though I will pause here to thank the weather gods for a truly mild & easy winter for my first in the new house, I really needed it because of the difficulties with the heating system. {the difficulty being that I am heating with kerosene} & the kerosene being so expensive $2.59 a gallon & we use aprx.a gallon a night or an evening really, if it's not below 40 I turn the heat off when I go to bed) I am really looking forward to spring, there's a 20 foot row of daffodills already planted here- I saw them on my first visit to this house last year. & the kids & I planted tulips, hyacinth & crocuses etc. along the path to the front door so we'll have lots of lovely flowers to enjoy. & then I can start thinking about having someone till my garden & begin to work some of the good stuff into the dirt to try to make it work better this year(what should really make it work better is that I'll have more time for weeding it this year)
A day with my little ones,I have a guilty pleasure which is sending my 16 year old to be with a friend on a school night, it means I get to focus on 9 & 6 with out the drama of their older sister distracting me. They're always interesting to be around & now with the computer around to give us all a focus we have a lot of fun, of course my plans for the afternoon when they get out of school don't really focus on the computer, we have to go get cheese for the pizza they requested we make together tonight for dinner & check the mail & before any of that happens I have to put gas in the gas tank or we'll end up on the side of the road!

Posted by Becky at 5:17 PM EST
Updated: Tuesday, February 28, 2006 5:47 PM EST
100 things about me
Topic: 100 things about me

59- I love quizes, polls etc. & am always aggravated when they come up with a new political one of local people where my opinions are not reflected in the slightest. I belive they're calling the same people every time, they most certainly are not calling me...

58- I thought I'd love ebay untill I tried it, I know they're trying to protect me from identity theft but when you're trying to buy a cell phone for a 16 year old & it tells you your credit card has to be verified (especially when you've carried the same card for 3 years) & it will take 4 days & the child is in tears & you're about ready to take your cell phone back- well, it's frustrating to say the least.

57- I am almost clinically unable to not read things, if my eye falls on the school calendar suddenly I'm halfway thru the highschool basketball schedule before I know it. At work when I ask my boss a question & have to lean over his cubicle half wall to ask (he's in his 60's & does not hear too well) I find I'm reading (upside down I might add) what he's working on.

56- Sirrius Satellite Radio is a good thing if you like a certain genre of music, if you like a wide variety (& I do) you have to keep changing the channel. Especially frustrating if you're like me & always have, in the back of your mind, that there's probably something better on annother channel. on the subject of Sirrus, (I don't subscribe, a bunch of channels come free with the at120 from dish net) why is it odd to me that someone would subscribe to radio but subscribing & paying for programing from dish net seems perfectly normal?

55- When I drink (on a par with once in a blue moon) I tend to get bad attitudes or I get weepy ( this is why my drinking is very limited)

54- I have no patientice with telemarketers at all.. I take inbound calls myself & realize they have it worse but still... If I tell you politely twice that I'm not interested & you persist the next sound you hear will be a dial tone...

53- I would rather be so busy I can't think straight at work than for it to be slow. The time drags so slowly that in the last 2 days I put in 20 hours & it felt like 40 hours, just from boredom. you can only talk to your co-workers so much! especially if every 5 -7 minutes one of you has to break off to actually take a call. It gets very confusing!

52 My signature perfume is Lutece which most people have never heard of, in order to get it nowadays I have to get it online, which means I know more about my perfume than I ever wanted to- for some reason the perfume retailers seem to think that we need a life history on the perfume. mine was begun in 1984 I chose it in 1985 actually. You see, my friend Jennie wore Lauren by Ralph Lauren all the time when I met her & to this day I still think of her when I smell it. In imitation of (homage to ?) her I wanted a scent that everyone would think of me when they smelled so I went shopping (on my ten speed- to cvs) for a fragrance & Lutece just seemed like the right one, I know both my oldest's father & my ex both liked it on me (although the last 3 years with the ex I didn't have any - or any money to buy any...divorce has it's privleges).

51- I feel it is a waste of time to do only 1 thing at a time, I can not read or be online with out music on, & I actually prefered things when I had the tv in the same room as the computer so I could have a documentary of some kind going on in the background while I am online. When online I have to have at least 3 windows with different stuff running at the same time so I can switch back & forth.

50- As a child I was the same way, if I was sent to watch tv I would always have a book on my lap, or be coloring or building with blocks while viewing the tv program. Later it became crafts or cross stitch while the tv was on. I used to watch a lot of hockey with my ex & cross stitch while it was on, he was surprised at first that I could keep track of the game & stitch at the same time. (to his credit he's one of the few men I know who can do two things at once, I know from reading psychology & language books that it is not normal for men to do so)

Posted by Becky at 12:29 PM EST
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Many thoughts, Little time
Now Playing: Limp Bizkit: Re-arranged
Topic: just letting off steam


I know I shouldn't complain, I know there's people all over the country out of work & worried & I should be happy (or at least thankful) for my good fortune. still though, if it's all the same to everyone (& it isn't) I'd really rather not work mandatory overtime.
*It makes me more tired.
*The reason I work 4 10 hour days is to eliminate the need to drive 27 miles each way for a 5th day, this saves me gas, wear & tear on the car, exaustion & aggravation.
*The frustration is increased by looking out the windows at work (small, up high & hard to see out of) & seeing the sun out & the sky blue & knowing it's beautiful & warm out & tommorow it's going to be no warmer than 35.
*They won't even tell us if this is the last week of m/o or not. it was supposed to be for 2 alternating weeks in January & then at the beginning of February they told us we had to do annother 2 weeks. they're now not commiting to it being over, they're telling us they 'should' know wednesday if we have to do more.
*When I try to explain to people in management that I'm a single parent & my kids have no real, steady adult influence besides me all they ever say is 'oh if you're a single parent you should be here for even MORE over time than you're already pulling'
*I don't get the trash taken out, the laundry done on time, the meals cooked, the errands run or the sleep I need when I work an extra 4 hours a week.
*I have made the offer to work an extra hour a day after work instead of 4 hours on Saturday- well at least 2 out of 4 days a week - & belive me they need me from 8 to 9 pm most nights- But that's just not good enough.
*When I point out to people in management that I drive 40 minutes to work & the same to go home so it is wasteful to come in for 4 hours their response is that I should stay longer to 'make it worth the drive'
*I get a blank stare when I suggest that I have other things I need to do besides work
*Management also is trying to make it a requirement that we recruit- twisting it to fit their need 'if you all recruited people to work here you wouldn't have to do mandatory overtime'
*Annother blank stare recieved when I point out that most people I know either already work there or have been fired because of the companys punitive attendance policies.
*I won't even begin to address the job itself...it's not a lot of fun.
*The #1 reason I hate to work mandatory overtime is that we sat waiting for calls... all day, I had at least 3 minutes between calls & all this week while at work & other poor saps were there on m/o we sat available for even longer, for awhile Friday I waited 32 minutes between calls not just once but 4 times (I timed it)

OK enough complaining. In other news: I have yet to w/b to mrs sc since my initial 2 line note right after I recieved her first email. The more I've thought about it the less I like the feel of the whole thing. it still makes me laugh my head (& other parts) off. But I just see too much potential for mahem involved in my getting deeply involved with my ex husbands wife- or soon to be ex wife- yesterday during all that time waiting for people to lose signal or screw up their tvs & call in with snowy screens I wrote about 8 pages 'to' her. but that (except for a few clear & well known examples of the ex's true nature which I will transpose to an email for her) will go right in my journal. I told a friend at work who is 'sensitive' (shall we say) about the whole thing & with out knowing much more that I'm divorced & he might or might not be overseas the first thing she thought of was that telling mrs sc too much could hurt me later, especially thru the ex.
I don't mean I think it's a predeveloped plot (though I would NOT put it past him- he is very cunning & sneaky in ways most people don't even realize) I just can see she's mad & that she's out for blood (she's a scorpio. So is he for the record- I told him when he first told me about her that if they didn't rip each other to shreds they'd be unstopable) And I know how many chances I gave him in 9+ years. She's just beginning they're barely at 5 years. If they do work their issues out (& her second email told me she'd just recieved a letter from him asking for exactly that) I do not want anything I told her to be used by him or even on his radar screen (which is remarkably wide given his true eyesight)
The kids (9&6 at least) know none of this.They did ask the other day why Dad hadn't been on instant messenger lately (I have 2 theorys, supposedly he's been in Kuwait & was going to Iraq very soon- this is what he told me last time we I/M'd 2 weeks ago yesterday- so he may be in transit & not able to use his pooter for personal stuff. the other is that I gave him the link to my online photo album & it has a bunch of pics of my new house. he is a jealous s.o.b & I know how much seeing what I've acomplished with out him must get under his skin- his usual reaction to being jealous is to avoid & ignore so likely that's why we're not hearing from him)
Mr 6 is absolutley bottomless just what I've seen him eat today: cereal, ramenn noodles, peanut butter & jelly sandwich, peanut butter & jelly right out of the jars, chicken divan, pop tart & an apple.
Miss 9 came back for seconds on the chicken divan & she said 'do you want any more mom?
I said 'yes, please' she came thru the room I'm in & said 'I left you some' when I went to check she'd very generously left me 1 piece of broccoli & 2 cubes of stuffing!
16 reads the blog now so I have to be careful what I write (next mood swing 3 minutes- put your protective headgear on- anyone who's ever had a teenage girl knows what I mean) It's not enough that I have to request visitation with MY cell phone 12 hours in advance with a written notice of who I intend to call & how long I'll be (maybe I exaggerate a little!) now I have this phantom lurking over my shoulder while I'm online moaning: 'Are you almost done? how much longer will you be? don't you think you should take a break? DON'T WRITE THAT!!'
So I cede the computer to the evil 16 year old hormone machine, at least long enough to watch the news & take a shower...

Posted by Becky at 8:37 PM EST
Friday, February 24, 2006
What Goes Around Comes Around
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: in my head: The 59th street Bridge Song, aka Feelin' Groovy
Topic: Family Business
& Why am I feeling groovy???
Well, as allways, I am happy when I'm vindicated & oh man I am so vindicated today.
Last night I got home from work after working an hour of overtime (trying to make up for missing work on 2/12 due to snow.)& was tired, I decided to just check my email, post something I already had typed up & go to bed. Well I don't allways check my junk email but I happened to & surprise surprise there was a little note from mrs'sc'this is my ex husbands current wife! So I checked it out with no little trepidation, for all I knew she could have found out & been mad about our little indiscretion back in 2001 after we'd been seperated for over 6 months. He had told me she knew about it but with him if you divide what he tells you in half & then that half is divided again you're probably close to the truth. which is the same reason when he told me over instant messenger that they were seperated & had been for 6 months already I was a little skeptical. Well her note was amusing to me who has been through hell & high water in the 9+ years my ex & I were together & more hell since he has been gone. It turns out they are seperated. he's in Kuwait she says but this is an emotional seperation not just the physical one imposed by his millitary silliness. And ooohhh is she PISSED!!! It turns out he had fed her a bunch of B.S told her I was a psycho & that he was always faithful to me (she pointed out that she 'finds it hard to believe that he never cheated on you for 10 years and then gets with me and he can't keep his dick in his pants.' With apologies to S because she never saw him coming & I can't fault her- she didn't know anything about him except what he told her- (Though the fact that his own mom barely speaks to him is telling) I have to laugh out loud, every time I think about it I just giggle.. She apologized to me because he told her when they met that we'd been legally seperated for over a year already (try 4 months & 2 months after that & into their relationship he came here & tried to get back together with me - with him in Illinois at the time with her. & I & the kids in VA I guess he figured he could pull it off.- that's the previosly mentioned indiscretion I was worried about her knowing about...lol) I resolved her worries on that since I really didn't care, luckily he didn't have me so snowed after 9+ years of living with him that I couldn't see even after only 6 months with out him that I was a lot better off without him. (Just the steady paycheck that I brought in was better than his work 6 weeks, take 2 months off & go back to work when we were about to starve to death or loose the electricity mode of work) So she asked me a lot of questions on what exactly went on during my marriage & how he acted during it & since then. I only answered a few last of her questions night partly because of being tired partly because after all this time I don't fully trust him enough to belive that he hasn't put her up to this to get me to say unpleasant things about him or get close enough to her to say or do something which he could use against me in trying to take my kids away from me. (don't roll your eyes - I'm not paranoid, the spring before last (2004) he called his whole family individually & tried to get each of them to come to my trailer while I wasn't home & make a list of everything wrong with it, take pics of the falling down ceiling & sagging floors so he could use them to 'prove I was keeping his kids in unsafe living conditions' never mind that he insisted we move there & lived there for 16 months with us before he left me!! never mind that he had not paid a cent of child support in 3 years at that point! Lucky for me his family knows him & has been here watching me go thru all I've been thru & they know the real deal on all of this & told him hell no & within 12 hours I got 4 phone calls from different people in his family letting me know about this attempt on his part to wreak havoc. Anyway, I don't trust him any further than I can throw him & am not entirely convinced that it's not all an elaborate ruse on his part as I said!! So I'm taking it slow... emailing back with a few little things, all in the distant past & other than mentioning how much the kids & I love the new house I bought with my own income last spring barely mentioning the present. I do feel for her, this is not the first time I've been in this position. The girl he left me for whom he left when he went into the Navy came to me a few weeks after he had left upset about his lack of attention & it turned out when we did get letters they were nearly identical. he told me he wanted to work things out & told her he wanted to marry her when he finished bootcamp! I am handling the whole thing a lot better this time, I take it all as an amusing story not anything to get emotional about at all- but I am 'feelin' groovy' just the same!

Posted by Becky at 10:08 PM EST
Updated: Friday, February 24, 2006 10:28 PM EST
Thursday, February 23, 2006
100 things about me
Now Playing: Voodoo by Godsmack
Topic: 100 things about me
69- The Ex would have something to say about the # to the left. I have all kinds of stuff to say about him. I had, (before the computer crashed) the first 40 things on a list of reasons why not to talk to him or consider him a friend. the problem is I've known him 23 years. we were together for 9 & while I know I am 1000 times better off with out him I still miss talking to him & getting his feedback on life in general & now that I'm online & we chat on I/M about 1x a week it all comes back in a bad way...gotta get going on the new list.

68- I consider 68 (the year of my birth) as my lucky #. Most everyone else in my family goes for 13.

67- I sit, at work, between 2 people who are in love, they've been together since we all began working together (october 1, 2005) & I have watched their relationship develop over my head/behind my back thru the past few months...another woman sits beside me on the guy's side & we both commiserate because we're both too otherwise occupied with other stuff to be in relationships currently (she with her elderly parents, me with my kids) I'm not looking forward to their first fight I can tell you that!

66- I used to lug the laundry to the laundromat, spend up to $15. a week- $60 a month to wash & dry it, lug it all back home & fold it all & get it put away before the end of my 2 in a row days off (also have 1 day off by itself in each week) all the time I did that I wished I had a washer & dryer, prayed I'd be able to get one & comforted myself with the only positive I could think of about doing laundry for 4 once a week: at least it's all done at the same time!

65- Now I have a washer & dryer, my electric bill has gone up aprox 30 bucks (still half what I paid at the laundromat) and I am allways doing laundry, I have the kids do their own laundry 1x a week, & I do a few washes each week too... this would be great but it seems on the kids laundry days they have nothing to wash because they've thrown it all in my basket or the family basket (for towels, facecloths, sheets etc.) & there's allways a basket full of laundry waiting for me to fold it. now there's nothing coherent about doing laundry, all my sneakers need bleaching & I'm hard pressed to find anything else white to throw in a bleach wash!

64- I guess it seems I'm never satisfied! really though, I'm of two minds about the whole thing with the laundry. that's something my Ex could never understand- I allways see both sides of everything & I take it for granted that there's allways going to be good & bad to everything. he interpreted that as I could allways find something to bitch about!

63- My Favorite season is everything but winter I hate wearing shoes, boots are worse, I hate spending the $$ for heat. I hate snow (But not enough to move so far south that there is none- I like the change of seasons & VA's shorter winter is almost perfect for me)

62- When I was a teenager I wanted to be a groupie & hitchike around the country seeing rock bands (& the other stuff groupies do with rock bands) my alternate plan was to be a farmers wife.

61- My mother thought I'd make a good scientist.

60- The majority of jobs I have had centered around food & kids, I've baby sat, worked for Dunkin' Donuts, Waitressed & cooked in a Seafood Resturant & other resturants, been a Cashier in a few different stores, retail & grocery, done housekeeping in a nursing home, labeled books & got them ready to go on the shelves in a library, & done the tech support job I have now. the most frustrating was the library job, my list of books I wanted to read & or check out was 4 or 5 pages long! my current job comes in a close second in the frustration dept. imagine telling someone to press the select button & they go up to the tv & push on the screen! (the scariest part for me is, what do THOSE people do for a living?)

Posted by Becky at 10:26 PM EST
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
A Day in my life (not a work day- too boring!)
Now Playing: Audioslave: I am the Highway
Topic: Stuff & Nonsense
* Got up ridiculously late (yes, I wanted a good, restful sleep & took a melatonin to achieve that but 1130? when I went to bed at 1am?)
* Text messaged a friend who's in transit this week, taking her altzheimers ridden mother & her fairly hfrail father back to Illinois to stay with the mothers sister.
* Web surfed,
* Wrote in my blog,
* Did 4 washes & dried all the clothes in them (this was of course, during the web surfing)
* Read my book (A Breath of Snow & Ashes) by Diana Gabaldon, the most recent in the Outlander series which I have been reading, nearly with out stop since august or september.
* Hung out with my 6 year old when he got home from school for an hour,
* Went to pick my 9 year old up at 4 after her remediation for reading
* Took the little ones to Town to get medication at the drugstore & milk at the grocery..this also includes many 'don't touch', 'no, you can't have that', 'come back here' & 'if you don't stop that you won't come with me again' comments.
* Mediated 1 hour of online time for 9 & 6 year olds & walked them through a Lemonade stand session & helped them find a Teenage mutant ninja turtles website with games.
* Argued with 16 as to why I didn't leave her my phone & as to just who's phone it is anyway.
* Made a halfway decent dinner (pasta bake) only 1 out of 4 doesn't like that one, I only have about 3 meals everyone likes, fortunatley there's more the 3 of them like that I don't like so that helps a little.
* Folded the aforementioned laundry
* Got assorted children to take care of their laundry (found this morning they just stuffed it in the closet)
* Watched the news, local & national,
* Had annother argument with 16 about why I don't want her with my phone glued to her ear for 2-3 hours at a time (I have a problem with one of the guys she is talking with, he strikes me as running her life due to the way she acts when she's on the phone with him.)
* Helped little ones with their homework.
* Miss 16 does not need help, as a matter of fact, she had to leave school early one time & her algebra teacher gave her a paper for me to sign stating that I had given her no help on the paper she had to take with her & she very scornfully said to the teacher "oh, she can't help me at all- she doesn't know anything about algebra at all.
* Watched '30 days' on fx, the topic was Living off the Grid.
* Went back on line to check out info I was interested in on what I'd seen on tv. the people who went to live off the grid lived so wastefully before that if everyone lived as they do we'd need 12 & 1/2 earths to sustain us all, I checked my own usage out & we'd still need 3 & 1/2 if everyone lived like me. How about you? how big is your global footprint?
* Went back to bed at 1130 pm with 16 still online & ended up reading untill 2am.

Posted by Becky at 3:29 PM EST
Updated: Wednesday, April 5, 2006 12:10 PM EDT
More about me
Topic: Rambling on

No really I was the original goth chick, (see Below) when I was a teenager in the 80's, I wore black eyeliner, rock tshirts & ripped up jeans (before they were trendy) I listened to heavy metal & hard rock exclusively & did not smile, I had either long hair down over my eyes or my hair was cut the same 2 inch length all over. I was always tuned into a walkman wether it was fm or tapes (most of mine had both options- & belive me I went thru quite a few of those babys) I had this amusing (to me) suicide poem over my bed, there were few girls like me back then & even fewer who 'got' me. (thanks Chris) I can remember my grandmother bemoaning me quite often 'if you have to wear black shirts would you at least wear a black bra - so your decent white one doesn't turn gray' My mother mostly just ignored my look & focused on my mind - or trying to get me to learn more accurately. I know she despaired of me ever amounting to anything. My father for his part told me to watch the movie Badlands as a warning, I loved it & he predicted that I'd turn out just like Sissy Spacek's character. Honestly I was rather insulted in spite of myself but I could see where he was coming from!
At times, when I had to go to a family party, during the holidays, or when I went to stay with my Uncle & Aunt in Haverhill at a historical landmark I felt like I was doning a costume & getting into a role- the role of sweet teenager who likes puppys, babys & kittys etc- has stuffed animals on her bed & flowers on her sheets... although I was way out of that from 14 onward...If I thought I could have gotten away with it I'd have dyed my sheets black. I had a black light & many rock posters, wall, ceiling door, everything was papered with rock stars & their...uh, socks.
I sent an Xmas card out this year with a fairy on it, I thought it was beautiful, she was in pale teal & holding a red gift wrapped in green ribbon... & my mother told me it didn't look like 'me' I suppose she still sees me at 15,16 etc. I was a little insulted at first that my mother didn't think it represented me. but really, she doesn't see that much of me & I am awfully conflicted about what I like, or it's not that I'M conflicted it's that the things I like are major contrasts, I like old music like Simon & Garfunkle & the Beatles, I like Godsmack & Audioslave & Rem & Pearl Jam, & everything in the range between them (just not country or rap or dance music) & I can play, but seldom listen to classical music. I like Grateful Dead stuff, tie dye & I like Antiques & beautiful things, plus I like having a larger television (27 inches- in 2 more years I'm going to 36- I think) & I have a dolby digital surround sound & know how to use it- but I've been here 9 months & have yet to put up the speakers, they're just grouped on top of my dvr. I like Faires & study Wicca (too much involved in the practice, If I was independently wealthy & didn't have to go to work 40+ hours a week I'd be wiccan.) I love reading historical novels & modern ones, (not too much on Scifi though) I feel funny (have withdrawls my daughter calls it) if I don't watch the news every night but the only network tv shows I care about can be counted on less fingers than the average hand has (Medium, My name is Earl & Ghost Whisper) the first time I read the Lord of the Rings trillogy I was 8 years old & I am constantly surprised at how few other women have read them. If there's not music playing in the back ground there had better be one hell of an interesting conversation going on. I still would not mind going back 150 years & living like my Grandmother's ( & 1 of my) favorite artist/authors Tasha Tudor depicts. But I've hung my clothes on a clothesline in 3 of 4 seasons for 8 years (actually in truth, the first year back here in VA we were poor enough I hung clothes in winter too! & I have not actually gotten around to getting a clothesline put up here at the new house) but I am just like that. I like what I like & belive what I belive & who cares if certain parts conflict with other parts (well, my 16 year old daughter does- but I just tell her it makes for a more faceted personality & to get over it!)

I was the original goth chick!


You're a true goth. You see all the wonders and beauties around you that others seem to be blind to. Don't let anyone get you down, you are truely beautiful.

& you? find out at: http://quizilla.com/
(thanks Chris)

Posted by Becky at 1:50 PM EST
Monday, February 20, 2006
100 things about me
Topic: 100 things about me
100 things about me
79- New list- the computer crashed. I'm beginning to hate computers. the joke is that every day I listen to people who's digital video recorders have crashed & I roll my eyes & repeat that all too oft quoted line 'if it's really important to you- back it up on a hard copy' & now I have to deal with a similar issue.

78- I was born In Massachusetts & have lived there or in Virginia all of my life (with occasional forays to New Hampshire, Maine & North Carolina.)

77- I can remember when candy bars were .20 cents, every sunday after church I would walk to the corner store from the church to pick up my familys copy of the New York Times & My Grandmother would give me a quarter for a candy bar, I would save the nickel change in my sunday coat pocket each week untill I had enough for a 2nd candy bar. I can remember my Father telling my Brother & I that candy bars were a nickel when he was 'our age'.

76- I love my new house, after 6 years in a falling down trailer I bought my own house this last May. It is nowhere near as annoying to pay my mortgage as it was to pay rent. at least when I get my mortgage statement each month I get a little readout which shows my escrow growing.

75- There was a time when I prefered reading to almost anything, now it's a close third after internet surfing & spending time with my kids.

74- when I was a teenager I had to make lists of everything, favorite rock band, lead singer, drummer, book, author, movie, actor etc. I made the back part of every diary a space for that when I was a teenager. Now I have too many ideas about everything to be able to list # 1, 2 etc. If I like something I like it & to try to rank it among others I like seems like too much trouble.

73- I worry about wrinkles a lot...they seem to be cropping up more & more these days. I can remember being 8 or so & thinking my mother's face was 'so lined with wrinkles'.. she was about my age now back then. I had no idea!!

72- My brother commited suicide at 16, my father did the same 20 months later. I think this has really made me see just how important it is to savor every day & try to find things to be happy about.

71- I can't sing a note but I can play the piano pretty well- I read music very well though I'm not very good at playing by ear. Playing the piano is one of those things which hovers in the back of my mind as something I'd like to do more often but just never seem to get around to doing (much- the last time was just after Christmas)

70- Favorite Holiday: Halloween. Christmas is a close second. I can't stand Thanksgiving though... I HATE turkey (we have duck for xmas) so Thanksgiving is allways about avoiding food I don't like. (give me a plate of uncooked stuffing, cranberry jell {no berries} & boiled onions & I'll be happy)

Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST
a couple of things bothering me today
Topic: just letting off steam
When setting up my homepage with my new satellite internet provider (Wild blue & it's great by the way) I was chosing options: horoscope, news, etc that I wanted on my site, including weather here in VA & in my adopted hometown of Haverhill MA. a quote of the day & so forth. I noticed they had a 'new word of the day' piece so I added it thinking I'd like to learn some new words & this would be a painless way to do so although I do have a pretty good vocabulary. Well it's been 2 weeks now & they have yet to show up with a word I did not already know! The only thing they're helping me on is pronuciation! (that's because most of the words I know I learned from reading in books & the bigger superlatives don't get a lot of spoken word use so I'm not allways sure how it should sound)
In other news I'm continually shocked at how used I have become to having a cell phone by my side every day in only 10 months it has gone from being novel to being irreplaceable & I miss it every day now. You see: the 16 year old's phone died, it dosen't beep when you plug in the charger & so can not be charged. She had dropped it a few weeks before this happened & broken her front screen which is customer damage & voids the warranty so no new phone with out purchasing one. I work in an industry where I have to discuss warranty & out of warranty daily so I didn't freak out on anyone at the store because I know what that's like. I did however go off on miss 16 who dropped the phone in the first place. The response? 'oh, come on mom, I've dropped the phone a thousand times, it just hit the floor wrong that time' I'm ashamed to say I could not restrain myself from pointing out that my phone, the same 10 months old as hers is in perfect condition & I don't drop it at ALL - that got me a goggle eyed look & a 'so? your phone has a camera, it's a better phone- that's why you haven't broken it yet... can I borrow YOUR phone?' Since then I haven't seen my phone much at all... I'm not one of those lucky people with charge cards that aren't maxed to the limit so I had to put 16's money for a new phone in the bank, write a check to the credit card co & am currently waiting for it to show up on the credit card so we can go on ebay & get her a used phone. (cheapest used phone at the phone store? $149.00) she's counting the days & so am I. on work days I only miss it because I'm so used to having it. on days off I flat out refuse to let her take it to school which gives me some time with it to check bills & usage (sharing 1000 minutes a month with a teenager is an adventure let me tell you - thank god for free nights & weekends & free mobile to mobile usage!!) & actually call someone if I should want to. the worst part is knowing it's going to be at least annother week maybe more before she gets her new phone & I get mine back to myself. My contacts list is full of her friends names, I went thru this morning & added a 'z' to all of them so they're grouped together & I'm waiting untill after 7 when usage is free to find a ring tone for all of her friends so when the phone rings that song I know it's for her. I doubt she will appreciate my efforts on her behalf... I think that's the worst of the whole thing the whole assumption on her part that I have no one to call & if I did, it could wait. HER calls are Important though, Life & Death to hear her talk about it.
You spend the first 12 years protecting them from everything & the next 6, 8, 10 (or more?) trying not to kill them yourself....lol!



Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Snow way!
Topic: just letting off steam

Typical Saturday: every other week I get paid, we go shopping & get 2 weeks worth of groceries, before the house we would go out for a nice meal, get clothes etc. (now with the house it's mostly groceries) I never thought last night there'd be any problem today. The weather man confirmed this, 'oh theres snow on the way, but it's a fast mover, shouldn't leave more than an inch on the ground,' is what he said... so when I rolled out of bed after being awakended by my 6 year old's rapturous joy at 'all the snow' I was quite unprepared for the 2 inches on the ground!!! & it's still snowing too... those little flakes that you just KNOW will last all day. A trip to the computer weather map confirms this, what was supposed to pass to the south of us & just dust the area has turned into a full out, all day barrage of snow... the tv's weather man? hiding behind the saturday morning cartoons! Coward

Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Write now
Topic: Rambling on
Write Now!
I allways wanted to be a writer when I was young, I wrote in my diary, I wrote my fantasies down & mde them stories. bound them in a way & kept them...I had less problem with people reading my diaries than I did with people reading my stories. Diaries dealt with concrete reality. The stories were how I wished things were & because of that were more embarassing. I treasure my diaries from the past it enables me to go back & look at the person I was when I first came to VA... I found a meeting of someone I still know today in there... I'd forgotten how we met & it was very amusing to re-read it! I also find the diaries very useful when having problems with my oldest at 16 she is sure she's all set to go forth into the world & conquer or at least do better than 'dumb old mom' & I can look back & remember feeling that way too (although I know I'm nowhere near as unhinged as my own mother was when I was 16) But it still gives me insight into how it is to be 15 & 16 years old again

The stories became a sore point.. I wrote them right up untill 1993 or so & in 1996 my ex read some I'd written when I was in VA & he was in NC & we were not together... these stories did not cast him in a flattering light & represented me moving on & finding someone else.. he did not take kindly to them & really threw a fit.. took my writing down being with someone else to mean I had been with someone else (not the case- I've allways lived a lot more fully in my head than in the real world) it took weeks of pleading, cajoling & begging to make him understand & speak to me again (man he WAS high maintainance & I do not miss that bit at all) so we carried those stories thru 2 more moves, 1 in MA & 1 down to VA & he convinced me to burn them at the house in Va in 1998... We really did need the paper for kindling at the time but still, I wish I'd said no now... I would love to read them over now! Although I have my doubts as to how much I could stand it! I was given to the romantic back then & I also assumed I'd lose weight once I got out of my mothers house. now at 37 I've found it's a whole lot bigger issue than I previously belived! But that part is neither here nor there, I haven't got anywhere near the capacity to read soppy romantic crap anymore so I probably would have trouble reading the writings my former teenage & young adult self put out!

Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
100 things about me
Topic: 100 things about me

89- music is practically my life - for nearly 10 years of my life I barely ever watched tv- just listend to music & did stuff- never had the time for tv. that all changed when I had kids though

88- 88 was the year I met my oldests father- (I still know all the dates anything important in my life happened I met D on 9/30/88, & got together with R on 6/28/92, last saw D on 1/20/90, & R&I decided we were getting divorced or at least seperating on 11/8/00. that was all effortless...as easy as pulling up todays date. maybe even a little easier since I didn't work today & don't pay attention to the day if I'm not at work

87- I like to not pay attention to the day or time as much as possible, I love to eat when I'm hungry, sleep til I'm not tired & just do what I feel.like doing when I feel like doing it.

86- I have never spent more than a day in public-formal education. I was home schooled from 5th grade up & before that I went to alternative schools where you could choose to do school work or not

85- as a teenager my favorite place to be was anywhere but home. Being homeschooled made me very bored about being at home

84- most of the nicknames I have I hate... Rebekells is C's, rebecky is K's. Beckala was J's, the only one I ever liked was Beck which I still use. But my original nickname- Becky is my preferred name- call me Rebekah & I feel like I'm in trouble

83- All my kids have nicknames too: fallopius, lolobelle. hellois, atv,(for all terrain valerie) valzabrat, vallerina, camdaman, camerot, & buddy.

82- I have had many more crushes than real relationships- I only consider 2 as relationships

81- I try to consider my ex a friend but he makes it hard & I have to keep reminding myself why I should not do so. I need a list of 100 reasons not to consider him a friend!!

80- I got this idea for 100 things about me from someone who I used to consider a friend but who dosen't speak to me anymore because my ex & I skipped out on a rental that she had refrenced us for.

Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
My Loves...hah!... For Valentines day
Topic: just letting off steam

I've had many more crushes than reciprocated loves In my life...being Fat & Shy is a poor combination if you're hoping for Love after all

#1 first heavy one, at 11 was JH, he was a spoiled preppy guy this kid wore elasticized belts with spouting whales on them...uhg! Now he seems to be a tv reporter in my home state... my Grandmother & Mother get to tell me all the time 'oh, I saw JH on tv the other night'

#2 it's a fairly reocuring theme of mine to go from 1 extreme to the other I went from the goody two shoes sunday school prep to my neighborhood's bad boy... that was a disaster... TM never even looked at me except when aiming snowballs or rocks at me

#3 Then I made a cardinal mistake..never develop a crush on someone who someone in your family is involved with! especially not when the family member is the same sex as the crush is... It was fairly depressing becoming a fag hag at 15...lol

#4 I carried most of these crushes for years alternating between them at the same time... there were others, CC was a big one, annother guy who didn't pay the slightest interest to me

#5 My first 'real' boyfriend was AD who I met my first year away from home living in Hull Ma. He was a friend of my roommates boyfriend & I was more concerned over why he would want to go out with me... we didn't last long..I'd had plans to visit family & when they fell thru I went back to my apartment & slept most of the weekend, he was mad I didn't call him instead & broke up with me

#6 next sorta boyfriend was a guy from work who was ok but sort of slow... I felt more like he was better for me because I was so socially retarded anyway being shy, having been homeschooled & relating a lot more to books than to people... I moved away to Virginia to get away from S (I can't even remember his last name!)

#7 In VA I had annother crush on DB he was lonely but not, apparently lonely enough to go out with me ( & this was during my thinner phase...how depressing! I'm starting to regret even starting this.......lol..) Everyone thought we should go out except him & when I was getting ready to go back to MA he deigned to sleep with me as a last gasp sort of thing... told me he felt it was abuse of a sort to do so. the same evening we did it (afterwards though)

#8 I had a few meaningless affairs after I was back in MA, nothing I'm too proud of... then I dated DP for awhile. he was of annother nationality & we worked together.. my kids still love to look at the pictures of us in my album... his mother broke us up because she didn't want him dating out of his nationality

#9 I met my oldest daughters father by picking him up hitchiking.. this may sound very odd in most parts of the country but as everyone in Hull Ma knows if you need a ride stand at the rotary & you'll get picked up...when I lived in Hull ( see #5) I used to hitchike from there everyday... there was a bus to Hull but it only ran in the 80's when they felt like driving it....so since I was driving around aimlessly & going thru the rotary & this guy was standing there I had to stop... any one who's stood in that spot knows this... when you've got a car & someone's there you HAVE to stop....

#10 D's & my relationship started at the Dungeons- annother well known Hull place, we went to dinner at Jakes for lobster & the very next night I took him to Topsfield fair which ended as a disaster... he had a delicate stomach & was an alcoholic at the same time... needless to say the rides I wanted to go on were not his cup of tea.

#11 ignoring this we began a relationship & had quite a few (alcohol soaked) good times, we found we'd nearly met about 3 different times, he was a cook at a restaraunt where I had been going to wash dishes thru my friend/roommate who he knew from the restaruant too... & then he was a house painter when a friend of my roommates & mine was a brush cleaner for the same co & when J lit his arm on fire D was there...I was telling him this story & he finished it for me because he already knew it. the relationship culminated in my renting a room in the house he was janitor in (this was in trade for his rent) I got pregnant in May & by August he was so unpleasant & I was so upset that I moved out...Last time I saw him was about a week before my daughter was born & last time I spoke to him was at 330 am on the night she was born (she was born at 257am) he told me he was 'glad everything worked out for me' he's never seen his daughter.

#12 I've known my ex since he was 8, I was 13 at the time & unimpressed.. I grew up with him being at my house all the time. he was a friend of my brothers though my brother avoided him at hockey season because my brother had little to no interest in sports & R Loves hockey.

#13 a few years after my oldest was born R & I started hanging out together & this developed into a relationship which was on again off again for 8 years, we married 2 years into the mess & had quite a few good years but there were allways ups & downs... he wouldn't hold a job steadily & while we had very young children (most of this time) I was at home with them because day care would have cost almost as much as I ccould have made working. he agreed with me on this to my face but I know now from friends & relatives that he was telling everyone else I was lazy & didn't want to work.

#14 when he left in 2000 I tried a couple of jobs & settled into what I do now & I've been there nearly 5 years... he just as always has had more jobs than I can count... it's a nice but mean feeling to be able to say 'well, who's lazy now? I have a house, a car & don't worry about where the payments are coming from & you're still living hand to mouth'

#15 still there's no guy at all in my life now... have had a few crushes at work but no one has been interested yet...lol.. guess I have too much baggage.
Well, anyway happy Valentines Day to all

Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST
Saturday, February 11, 2006
100 things about me
Topic: 100 things about me
100- I'm Fat, I've been fat my whole life excluding ages 18 to 21 & it's only a big deal when it keeps me from doing something I want to do.

99- I have red hair & all 3 of my kids do too... I love my hair un like most people.

98- I grew up in a big old house, with lots of land around me which I was able to explore.. thats what I miss most is being able to go for walks in the woods when ever I feel like it

97- I've got 3 kids 1 from 1 guy & the other 2 from annother- that said I am NOT a slut - I've slept with less than 15 men in my whole life: see item 100


96- I work technical support for a dbs provider & my job is very challenging & often quite stressful. but almost without even trying I have come to find myself at the top of the heap.. I know my stuff & happen to be sharp enough to be able to spew it out quick & consice when someone asks.

95- as a child I was afraid of almost everything, dark, big trees, garbage trucks, now I'm only afraid of one of my kids dying..

94- When my oldest was born the doctor put her on my stomach & she looked at me & cooed ''hi''

93- She dosen't belive this story

92- oldest child is at that age where she thinks she sprung from the ground fully formed & has graced my prescence ever since then- I had nothing to do with her being here as far as she's concerned

91- next child is 9 & very loving & sweet when she wants to be, being the middle child though she has a lot of hurt feelings & poor me attitudes, she also gets these looks like her father that send chills down my spine

90- Youngest & my only boy is 6 he's sweet, loud & fast- loves to run but would rather watch tv unfortunately.

Posted by Becky at 12:01 AM EST

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